Thanks everyone for replies

Petra, my friend who took this told me that mdma doesn't make sexual wishes but you just love the world and people but not in sexual way, he said that man even can't have sex while taking mdma. I also was worried about it.

I really afraid to lose my T but when I'm sober I destroy everything good and make drama all the time, Xanax and stuff like that doesn't help me. I'm normal when I'm on drugs, I'm sick when I'm sober.

Yes, it's good idea to write everything down and I started to do this to better understand myself and I also started to draw but the problem is that when I have to talk about it I say 3% of what I wrote and it doesn't make any sense, T also ask useless questions and disturbs me to tell what I wanted to tell. Okay I had idea to give him read my novels But it would take a time to read it. I wrote so useful emails but we never talked about them so it was nonsense. I hate that I waste my time in sessions.

And I have PTSD. Okay it's not my only one diagnose but as I read mdma helps somehow with this. My friend had social phobia and mdma helped him so he thinks it's miracle drug when you feel so connected to people and you can open yourself.
I an't open myself no matter what I do, I'm not myself, I'm blocked, I can't speak, I can't move, anxiety and fears are killing me.
Yes I take benzos, I'm addicted to them but it never healed me. I gave up all my meds because of breakdown when my T terminated me and I don;t want to take meds anymore.

Yes, very long post I know...