Well, this is not the first incident with my T where I have crossed the line in excessive communication. We have had numerous discussions about it-and throughout this he has set additional rules for when I haven't been able to keep to it-such as not having a session. I know it has to be difficult for him to manage this-because I truly am in a space where I'm more depressed/anxious and there have been times when I needed additional support-and he has given that-freely and without it being an issue or a boundary breaking act. What's different about what happened this week-is that I was just bombarding him....and it's obsessive in my head-like I can't stop until I heard something from him-and a lot of it doesn't even make sense. So he does feel stuck sometimes. There is the really factor of him feeling powerless if I were to text him something about SI and having to make the judgement call about to send the police for a welfare check. He says he doesn't want to make things more complicated and worse with adding police. I like the idea of having a real emergency plan in which if I feel I can't stay safe I go to the ER and then and only then...call him to tell him I'm there.
I would never want to have another T...we have worked together for over 3 years and have been together through so much-he has helped save my life-and has helped me work through trauma I never thought I could. He is a very skilled, compassionate and awesome therapist-but there are just realistic limitations to his availability (he has a full-time job-and then sees clients like me in his private practice on certain evenings and he has two sons and a wife). I think I want to start a group therapy-just to have additional support.
I keep feeling like I'm going to tell him I can't make it in the morning and Im not sure what that is about? shame? fear? wanting to punish myself? wanting to make him worry by cancelling and then no contact? I dont know....