Hi all.

So, it was earlier this year that I finally received an answer to a question plaguing me my entire life - why am so I different to everyone else? I was diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome. Finally, the culprit was named, the criminal who entered my brain when I was just a baby about to be born, disrupted everything, and robbed me of a normal life, 25 years ago. I've finally met him and I've seen his face, and what a hideous face it is. "Great!" I thought, he has been caught out and is now behind bars, I can move on with my life. Hmmm...not so fast boy.

He has not just robbed you and you alone. It turns out his legacy of destruction can continue, and it's YOU that will propagate it, if you so choose. "But, I don't want to do it, I don't want this to happen again, to someone else", well, then, you've got a choice to make, and what a choice it is. Where does it choose to make it's largest impact? Not on your social life (even though it does somewhat), not on your life skills (even though it does somewhat), not on your income and career (although it does), but the one place where you as a human being, no matter how screwed up you are, can do something meaningful in your life and have the most impact in this world - having children of your own. The one thing that brings us the closest we'll ever be to being like our very Creator while in this earthly form, the ability to create an image of you in your own likeness, a version of you that will carry your legacy forward and do the same one day. The choice does not stop you from fathering children of your own, you may do so by all means, but, on one condition, they too must carry the legacy of the criminal, and suffer the same fate you, their father, did. Whether it be in biological or environmental form, it's effect WILL be done, there's no getting away from it.

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So, I guess that's what I wish to ask. I'm at a fork in my life - to have (Asperger's) children, or not to have children at all. More importantly, to have a real meaningful life, or not have a meaningful life at all. To finally be as close to normal man and father as you'll ever be, or live for the rest of your days in lonely obscurity.

You see, before I knew I had Asperger's disorder, I knew I was different. But, did that stop me from experiencing what it's like to be a human being? No. I felt it all, albeit with disappointment at many times, but the most important - that one can find a significant other, and love another human being so much that it hurts. She is my heart, the whole thing, she made it whole and warm. It was made of stone-cold ice before she came along, guarded within a grotesque fortress of high walls and barriers. She brought the whole damn thing to the ground, and what a joyous day that was, the heart inside saw the ray of sunshine that had come upon it and it melted to reveal a hidden heart inside, one which immediately loved the ray of sun, because she had freed him. The ray of sun didn't understand, she just saw a heart, and she left him, because that's all that her task entailed - free the heart from its fortress and leave him thereafter, as he is then free and should fend for himself. The heart didn't understand this, why was he not allowed to be warmed permanently by the ray of sun, and why did she not see how much he loved her for freeing him?

That's the time I met the love of my life (my ray of sun). I love her to this very day. Everyone says I should forget about her and find someone else, but they are moon-rays in the dead of night compared to her brilliance. "No" I thought, "I must try and understand, what will bring back my ray of sun? I need her to come back, and this time to stay. I will not rest as long as I know she is around."

You see, she was my reason for still wanting to try in this life. She was the only girl I ever wanted to marry and have children with.

Then the Asperger's diagnosis. On my quest to understand my ray of sun, I uncovered truths about myself.

Hmmm...Asperger's disorder. It's genetic. Most certainly carried from father to children.

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Now, I sit with this dilemma - should I have children or not? My poor children, I can't let them go through this too. All the bullying, being outcasts in your own backyard, being isolated and mocked, being led to believe you are an abnormal sub-human. Why them too? Wasn't I enough?

So, I figured, maybe it's best I don't have any. Well, what girl wants to marry a guy that doesn't want to have children one day? What does this mean for me? I will NEVER EVER have a chance with my ray of sun again. If I choose this, not only will other girls never look at me, my loved one won't either (reduces my chance with her from 1% to 0%). All the anguish, all the pain, the suffering because I miss her and love her so much, all the effort to try and find another loved one, a new one - all pointless - seeing as I'm not going to have children. This means I'll never get married, never know what it's like to have that special person in my life, the one who makes it all worthwhile, I will be a man alone, wandering the earth till the day I die.

But, I want a loved one - well, that implies having children one day. And, if I have children, they'll have Asperger's disorder, passed on from their dear old dad. The cycle of pain and suffering begins again. My loved one saying to herself, this man, has given me these children who are not normal. I have sacrificed my life to be with him and the chance of having normal children. Can I blame her? No. She's right. I did rob her of it. Oh no! I am a criminal too! I am no better than the criminal that robbed me of a normal life, I did the same thing to my loved one and my children . It's true, his legacy did live on!

So, I guess that's my question - have children and destroy their lives and the life of a poor, innocent young woman too, or have no children and face life completely alone, with no-one to hold or love, despite all the love I have in me that I so desperately want to give to that special girl.

Hhhhhaahh. What a choice .