I've been married for 19 years. The first couple years were fine, but we were young and coping with our problems with drugs and alcohol. We both came from extremely abusive homes. After 3 years I was tired of the addictions and forced us to get sober. I quickly became pregnant and had my daughter. Our relationship started falling apart about that time. I was focused on giving my daughter the parents I never had, and I found healing in caring for her. My husband seemed to...not care much about anything.

My husband and I fell into a demand/withdraw pattern for many years. About 6 years ago I realized I hated, and didn't even recognize the person I was becoming with him, and I changed. We were still in a demand/withdraw pattern, but my approach changed. I very much tried to not blame, or criticize him, I just begged him to tell me what was wrong with us. He would respond with, " you're over-reacting", and "things can't always be the way they were in the beginning".

This year, our whole world changed. Our daughter started having emotional problems, and began therapy. Then I found out about some major things my husband had withheld from me our entire relationship. I experienced a betrayal trauma. While working through the things I've learned, I noticed a new pattern in our relationship. A withdraw/withdraw pattern.

I no longer demand..and he never does. If I perceive him withdrawing, I do to.
He says he withdraws because certain mannerisms, facial expressions or behaviors of mine trigger him to run away, however he has difficulty articulating what they are, and is not able to talk to me when it happens. He describes the same things i feel around him, however I have explained to him in detail the behaviors that trigger me.

I have explained to him that I can no longer "demand" in the relationship. I can longer climb over his coping, and defensive mechanisms, and I can't be the only one responsible to start a dialog when I feel something is wrong. I can no longer wade through all the blame and resentment, that I must face every time I try to connect. He has no problem ignoring the problem and living with this lack of intimacy. I have explained all this to him, more than once, and making myself bring it up has been torture.

I am afraid this may be the end of our relationship. He will really have dig deep to find the root of it all, and face the demons from his childhood, and even if he does, it will take a long time for him to be whole. I'm not sure if our non-communicative friends with benefits relationship will last that long.

I know we need counseling, but we can't afford it. I have spent hours and hours researching and i still do, but he doesn't. He once in awhile spends a few minutes looking for online help, or sliding scale therapists, but doesn't follow through. He doesn't believe in support groups, and 12 step programs don't really help agnostic types.

I am very thankful there is a community I can share my story with, and hopefully find support through this difficult time. Thank you to everyone that read this very long post.