Sorry guys, got a bit carried away there. I basically just want to know what you guys think.

So, I've been thinking, taking all things into consideration. Like, I think the best thing for me, and for everyone else, is to NOT have children. The reasons for this way of thinking is I've learnt that:

1. Asperger's is hereditary. My children will get it from me. Now, passing over talents or good looks is one thing, but passing over this horrible condition is another thing all together. I remember how horrible my childhood was, and I can't do that to my poor children one day. They will get something from me they didn't even ask for or want at all.

2. A marriage to an Asperger's man is no walk in the park to any wife. Sure, some Asperger's men are loving and devoted husbands, but we tend not to understand responsibility and what our role should or shouldn't be. If we're not interfering where it's not necessary, then we are too distant again when our input is actually needed. We solve problems that aren't really problems and don't spend any time on real issues. I speak for myself (and my dad somewhat) of course. From my experience, we are more like a grown up child than an adult.

3. My poor wife will never know what it's like to have a normal, emotionally supportive husband and have normal children. In other words, a normal life in a normal family.

Now, the whole point of getting married is to have children. OK, so I've loved someone dearly before, and I love being able to love and feel love, even though I have a tough time expressing it and convincing others that I'm not a soulless monster but a man, capable of love, and who can love so very dearly that it hurts.

But, if it's not a good idea for me to have children, then there's no point in me getting married. So, if I know I'm never going to get married, I might as well stop my search right now for my significant other, right? I mean, what's the point of attaining something if you're not going to plan on doing something with it?

But, it's the one thing I've always wanted more than anything else. Anything else I've done in the past, attempted, aimed at, I've been able to achieve. But, the one thing I've wanted is a loved one, a wife, someone to love, more than I've ever loved anyone, someone I'm willing to die for. Now, I do feel this for someone special, but here is the problem.

If I'm not going to have children one day, I might as well give up in trying to reach out to my loved one. I mean, there's no point in it then, is there? I know she wants to have children, well, OK, I'm not 100% sure, but I'm pretty sure. She's beautiful, loving, kind, caring and smart so I'm sure she wants to have children. She'll make a great mom one day.

But, I'm not going to make a great dad and husband. I will hurt her and damage her more than anything else if I start a family with her. I will ruin her life basically.

I have another problem. I am the last male in my family with my great-grandfather's surname, in other words, I am the one to continue the blood-line. All my cousins are either women, or they are my aunt's sons (different surnames). So, it's up to me to keep the family "alive". If I look at all the men before me (from my great-grandad), they all seemed to have Asperger's syndrome. My great-grandad was a lot like me, from what my dad and uncle tell me. If I don't have children, I kill the blood-line and it's all on my head. Over 100 years of history and family, down the drain. It makes me feel horrible and so guilty, how can I betray my own family like this?

Putting it all together in the grand scheme of my life then, not having children renders me a pointless human being. I have no reason now to do anything anymore. Why build a career? Why live healthy? Why bother? There's no point in doing something if there's no end goal in life. The only reason we set smaller goals when we are young is to reach the big end goal in life - taking care of and raising a family. There's nothing else in life more meaningful (my opinion, sure, but am I really that far wrong?).

The meaning and purpose has been taken out of my life. I have depression because of it, I am unhealthy because of it, and, I don't care. I can honestly say, I no longer need to be here. And, if I don't wake up tomorrow morning, it will be the greatest gift ever given to me.