I'm just curious because this whole exercise you have gone through here sounds like it's only with one girl in mind...."the love of your life" where only your love for her exists & she isn't even in your life & doesn't sounds like she wants to be whether you want or choose to have kids or not....sounds like from what you have described that she had no desire to be either.....so unless you can EVER find someone compatible for marriage the having a baby delema is non-existant at the moment & will be until you ever find the right person.

I for one had no desire to have kids...had no idea at the time that H (back in 1975) even had the possibility of having aspergers even though not dx'ed I'm sure that is what he & what I struggled to deal with but without knowledge or a dx looked like I was married to a passive aggressive child for 33 years. Even not wanting children we ended up with our daughter...absolutely NO signs of being like her father. I have since discussed my findings with her & not ever having a close relationship with him she didn't see the things I saw.

There could be many women who don't have a problem with an aspie H...from my own experience it honestly depends on the expectations the woman has going into the marriage & what she expects her H to be like. I wanted a man who was NOTHING LIKE my fafher who continually embarrassed me growing up but i blamed it on his lack of education....both my parents had no social skills but fil well together....I just didn't fit with them & if I choose to get married (something I was seriously questioning about ever doing thinking better off alone...& should have stuck with that thought). Never imagined back in those days that a college grad with a high IQ wouldn't be everything my dad wasn't. Saw red flags before the wedding but no knowledge of aspergers existed & mom suggested he would become responsible when responsibilities hit & he would have to grow up.

My problem with the marriage was my expectstions & what I needed my H to be like because of what I grew up with for a father....not all women have the same needs as I did & can be a lot more easy going than I was....the fights began even before day one of the marriage & lasted 33 years mostly because I hid in my engineering career the way many men do who feel they are in a bad marriage.....

I am sure if my H had chosen a more easy going woman than how driven I was(& am) his life yould have been peaceful & remote possibility more successful....but he was always thinking himself better than others while not performing better.

You are correct about marriage being a challenge especially if serious issues are incapable of being changed or refusal to change gets in the way of fixing the problem. A good marriage is difficult when there aren't added problems....but when there is mutual RESPECT from which comes love....a marriage can work...one huge thing I learned was NEVER ASSUME ANYTHING!!!! H was always making his assumptions & I was making mine but there was no match.

Another important thing is honesty & truth...& if you can't prove what you are saying...say I think...not I know this for a fact...because then those things come across as lies the same way that not telling something does...silence can become a lie just as much as blatently saying something that is wrong.

You need to establish a good marriage before ever thinking about having kids in the first place. If you never find a woman compatible for a wife all your time worrying about whether to have kidz or not is a mute point....

Not all dad's with aspergers create kids with aspergers especially if you end up with a daughter.

I wish you the best with this...focus on reality not wishful thinking...found that to ALWAYS cause me disappointment.

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