hey echoes. yeah, i think he turned out to be a great deal busier than he thought he would be.

> Being in control of the separation won't fix it either.

well... it could help. part of the fear is of being out of control of the situation. i guess the urge is to punish, though... mostly it is about not saying you are going to do something when it is unlikely you are going to be able to do it. i guess i also get thinking on 'how busy can you be?' takes five minutes to send a brief email and yet he sent NOTHING until i txted him. i guess he hasn't been checking his email...

> ... talk about how angry and lonely and frightening separation is.

hmm... yeah... i don't know we will get to talking about that. i don't know how it will go. i find this kind of embarrassing to tell you the honest truth.

i know that it is perfectly understandable that he would take time off to be with his wife / kid. its a lovely thing to do to be honest. i guess i'd worry more if he wasn't taking the time off to be with them. i also understand that its very unlikely to be all 'happy families'. her hormones are probably raging and they are both probably sleep deprived and stuff... i also understand that this doesn't mean that he doesn't care about me. that even if all his attention is consumed by this (which would indeed be understandable) its certainly not going to stay that way for ever. he will probably be jolly grateful to return to work / normality and even if it takes a while... things will get back to the way they used to be.

but it hurts. i feel a bit jealous. i feel really embarrassed that i feel jealous. i think thoughts about 'i bet baby isn't as fragmented / distressed as me and i bet i need him more than baby does'. and i feel ashamed for thinking that. i console myself with the thought that his wife is probably being mega***** right now. that he will be counting the days until he can return to work (not to be in particular) but just throwing himself into his work more generally. i don't wanna be thinking these thoughts / feeling this way.

i have been losing it a bit... hallucinations and the like. lack of sleep... nightmares. waking up to feeling very distressed about... fragmentation. fragmentation. i do get a bit psychotic at times. fragmentation, yeah. someone said to me that it was okay if he was my core self for a time... i guess its okay if he is around so when i think on him i can find it but i feel like my core self has been ripped away.

i've had a deadline which i've basically missed. maybe not irrevokable... i'll work on it tonight and tomorrow. i'll throw myself into my work. but my core self is gone and there is such pain... and hallucinations... and i've really had to shut myself away from the world for the last few weeks. because i'm likely to cry inappropriately or make a really snarky comment or say / do something very inappropriate.

((((echoes))))

he is back at work on Monday. Our appointment isn't until Friday, though. Apparently this week falls on the 'off' week so I don't get a Tuesday session. I guess he has 4 days to readjust to being back at work before I see him. I just hope... I just hope... That he isn't tired and distracted. Because... That would hurt too much. Maybe thats the point. If I don't go then he will get the chance to read the emails I sent. How I disclosed a lot of really hard stuff to him and then got scared. How I told him that I felt abandoned. About three weeks ago. Give him a chance to properly adjust back to being at work. If he is tired and distracted... It will hurt too much. I don't want to hate him right now and I don't want to fall apart because he gets sick and he gets tired and I can't deal with his mortality and weakness right now. I'm %#@&#! falling apart and I need him to be strong.