Well I did talk with my therapist about this, and after she got past being slightly jealous she suggested that when I was ready like Sam Carter on the show, I'd find a way. You see, my therapist is a huge fan of both shows too, so me having access to the gateroom had her slightly envious, go figure.

I'm out of the gateroom now, still on the base, figured out that I need to dig into the base mainframe to find missing pieces of me and re-integrate them. Yeah, like that is going to be easy. Right now I'm in the infirmary "resting" after being stuck in the gateroom so long.

Yeah, I'm used to DID, this was just a new twist to things for me and it had me unsettled. Still does some. Frankly I'd just like to know when I can stop, quit the fighting, and get a little peace and rest?

So on I go . . .

Yeah, books have always been an amazing and blessed escape. And while I never thought about it as such, yeah "coming back" can be, and usually is, highly disorienting.

Too many things to be dealing with while trying to heal, no small wonder I'm coming apart at the seems. Hey, at least I haven't started cutting again, so I'm holding this hill as they say in those old war movies.

I just keep asking the same questions? Like why keep fighting? Don't I get some time off for being a good girl? Don't I get a little space and peace to actually heal some now that we KNOW whats "wrong" and even why? I jump, I duck and cover, I fight night and day, day and night and try to take another step. I get my feet under me and then they are hitting me again, hurting me, pushing, throwing big rocks at me and all I ever said was; "Wait, What? Slow down a minute so I can catch up! Please, I need . . ."

Wow, how to be public enemy number one in under a nanosecond flat . . .

Dare to ask for something more, like a hug and forget it, then the excrement REALLY hits the oscillator! I know, I made that mistake too. . .

I saw this movie once, with Sandra Bullock, I think it was called 28 days. I don't want to wind up like her roommate. Hospitalized long enough to play the game, jump through the hoops a little longer, so that I get just enough control back in my life to do what needs to be done. I'm NOT planning on leaving now, heck not now, my sister is coming down in July from Alaska, it'll be the first time we'll be in the same state in almost twenty years. I talk to her constantly, but not the same. We spent four hours on the phone today alone . . .

Anyway, so that's where I am . . . In pain and fighting the good fight. I just don't know why. . .