My sister and I are very close, always have been. She called me today and we spent hours on the phone, like four of them. We both needed it. We laughed, cried, laughed some more, and so forth.

We both asked each other why it is we keep asking the people around us to slow down, give us a minute, and they treat us like lepers. I've been working hard the last two years, we both have, and seems like the harder we work, the more that gets thrown at us.

Two years ago I was un-medicated, and depressed to the point where it was life threatening. I've worked hard to make internal and external changes. I have meds now that work, but what happens when they keep throwing more and more at you. I'm sorry, but there is only so much in the way of medication a human body can take. There is only so much stress too.

I have so much wrong with me that the SSA approved my disability app first go round. Yeah, so I'm really broken and it isn't going to get much better at this rate. One damn fool thing after another. I don't want to be on disability for the rest of my life, but at this rate, it isn't going to be very long. Not because I'll do anything rash, but because the human body isn't designed to take this kind of punishment.

So, I have meds, lists of things to do, think, and so forth, meditation, yoga, exercise good diet, sleep, drink plenty of water and on and on. I'm being a good girl. I'm doing what I'm supposed to. When does everyday STOP being a crisis? When do people stop throwing things at me?

WHEN DO I GET TO STOP FIGHTING ALL THE TIME?!?!?

Does this make any sense? Anyone? Anyone?

When I was younger I was a cutter. I got past that. I paid my dues so to speak, I have the scars to show. Now, I don't have to do anything, I'm going to be 43 this year, and no matter how hard I'm fighting, working, my body is coming apart under the stress. Fight or flight? Can I run away? Far? Can I stop fighting? Soon? Enough is already way, way too much. How do I make it all stop long enough to actually spend some time, oh, I don't know, maybe healing?