Hey guys, thanks so much to all of you for your input . You have given me so much to think about, as you all bring up such valid points.

To Matthew/TragicKingdoms, thanks for sharing and for finding my posts intriguing (despite them being so way out , especially number one). I'm glad to hear that you have been able to let go of your disastrous relationship with your ex-wife and that you are now searching for your "ray of sun" again. So, OK, you decided not to have children, or it just sort of worked out that you didn't have any (either or). But, would you ever have children, if I may ask? You know, if you find your loved one and the situation is right?

To Rosska - thanks again

To Trippin2.0, my dad did not have a dx no, but since I've had my dx (which he doesn't know of by the way), I can see a lot of characteristics of me in him too, he struggles with the same things and he doesn't understand it, I can see he doesn't, and he feels isolated too. The thing is, he is quite the bitter and controlling individual (he might have NPD too I think) and will never accept any sort of "viewpoint" from me either. My father and I are not close, although we do talk, and I do "live under his roof" (yes, there's an implied guilt-trip feeling there). The other thing is, I'm quite a damaged person. I know I'll be a rubbish dad one day, there's no doubt about it. Now, children are strong and can learn and grow out of broken homes and still become successful sometimes for sure, but one will never know how your being damaged has affected them, they don't even know themselves. I don't know what effect the distant relationship between me and my dad had on me, he knows even less so (he might even think there is nothing to worry about). My issue is, it's not just the Asperger's. I am a damaged individual for other reasons (not mentioned here) too. I'm sure I'm going to fail any children I have as a father.

To Eskielover, thanks for the ton of info . Firstly, yes, you're right, she is not in my life and probably never will be. That's another issue I'm trying to work on, to try and get over too, which I'm failing miserably at. That's partly why I'm stuck too. OK, but let's say hypothetically that I am over her, so now I'm on the lookout for the love of my life (not her anymore). This is where my problem comes in, it's almost like circle reasoning:

I want a loved one, and to be married, but I know 95% of the women I meet have the intentions of having children one day. Now, yes, there are 5% who don't. But, the probability is extremely high that I fall in love with a woman that is in the former 95% (she wants to be a mom, which is only fair, I think many girls do, it's a beautiful thing, because many girls are close to their mom, they look up to her, and I think the mother is normally the more reliable parent nowadays, many dads just up and leave or don't play such a strong role in a girl's life especially - i.e. strong female role model in a girl's life).

Now, for reasons mentioned previously, I consider myself to be rubbish father material. So, now I meet this wonderful girl, I love her, but I don't want to have children with her, but she does. End result - I hurt her so badly because I deprive her of the thing she wants. Yes, she loves me, and maybe doesn't want to leave me, just like I never want to leave her, because we love each other. But, because of my selfish choice, I've ruined her life. I would never be able to live with that. I would rather be alone and suffer in loneliness than to ruin someone's life like that.

I'm sorry to hear about your marriage, and in that instance "Your mother always knows best" did not hold - she was wrong to advise you that he would "grow up". Asperger's sufferers never do. My dad is like a 65 year old child who constantly throws tantrums like a 5 year old when he doesn't get his way. Even after marrying my mom, he still for about 20 years carried on his pre-marriage lifestyle, hanging out with drinking buddies and wasting money which had to be used for other stuff, like on the house for example. Today, he has a small pension that won't even be able to support him and my mom. That's why today, at 65, he still works a full-time job. I always thought it's because of me, but I looked at the figures, even if I wasn't there, it still wouldn't be enough. For years I felt guilty because I thought my birth put an unrecoverable financial burden on my parents, that may be, but my dad's lack of responsibility had a lot to do with it. It's funny, my late grandmother (my mom's mom) told her not to marry my dad. My mom didn't take the advice.

Passive aggressive is a great way of describing my dad. He sulks and doesn't talk for weeks. And, it's always over something stupid, like maybe not going to a restaurant that he wanted to go to that day, even though he's been there a million other times on other days.

Unfortunately, as I'm getting older, I'm getting more of my dad's qualities coming through. Not as strong, but it's there. I do have a close relationship with my mom though, much closer than she and my dad. I think my dad gets jealous of that too.

So, all things considered, I reckon I would be a rubbish dad myself (not a good role model in my life and my MH issues), so perhaps at the end of the day, no children, and no wife (if I look at what you describe your relationship with your husband to be like) seems the best option for me. My only problem is I had a taste of what it's like to love someone (even though unrequited) and it felt soooooo great, I need it again, like a drug.

And, Lemongrab. Your fears and mine are very much the same. At first I would say that I don't like children too, but actually it's not that, it's actually I'm rather scared of them. I am no good with them either . I don't think I've ever held one and I don't think I've ever had one smile at me ever. Have you ever had one of those situations where you're like at a family get together or something and your cousin brings his/her toddler or baby out and everyone's like "Oooh" and "Aaah" and then you just sit there not saying anything? Not because you don't like children, you just don't know what to do or say. And, everyone is playing with the child and the child smiles and laughs (especially babies) and you think to yourself "Please Lord above!! Pleeeaaassse, don't let them come my way, it's going to be so embarrassing!!" and then you look again, they bring the baby to you and you can't make it laugh or smile like everyone else did. It's the worst feeling in the whole world! Your family's looking at you funny, and you think "Oh no, they all think I'm some kind of monster." At that point I feel like disappearing into the ground. Damn, children are so intuitive, LOL! It's almost like they can sense stuff about you.

But, anyway, you are right. Things are handled and understood better today.

It seems the AS was passed down through every second son most strongly down my bloodline from my great-grandfather. He was AS I reckon, he did a lot of things I did, very artistic, scientific and technically minded. He theorized about a lot of things, wrote unpublished books, saw the world in a different way to everyone else. My grandad was like that a bit, but wasted most of his time drinking in the pub. My dad was my grandad's second son, and he seems to have that "talent" too, and then me, I am my dad's second son too. Years ago he had a son with another woman before he met my mom, so I am not his first son, although I have no siblings. I know nothing of my half-brother, so if he also has these traits I will never know.

So, I'm torn. If I don't plan on having children, I'm not really going to bother looking for a wife either, I mean, what's the point?