You speak to me of compassion and consideration, but you speak to me with such disdain and disgust because you obviously know what's in my heart.
I don't think I'm so wonderful, or so far ahead of the game. Those who know me in here hear from me that I'm just "faking it 'til I make it." I'm glad not everyone is where I'm at; it's very lonesome here, and there are days (most every one) that I wonder why I'm still alive. I like many others are looking for healing and purpose. I don't think you've EVER seem me compare my road with what others have to face; (if I have, then I'm sorry) I am so grateful that I haven't had to deal with as much abuse (sexually and physically); frankly, I'm not sure that I would have been strong enough to handle it. I can't "pronounce" blessings, but I can hope for it upon people; and I don't think I have any right to "know what is Really in their hearts" and shouldn't have to "know" to hope that blessings come their way.
Yes, I do speak of God, (and what does Ghandi have to do with it) and I think I know the life of Christ very well (and no, I didn't compare what I know with what anyone else knows)--you speak to me of judging, you speak to me of compassion and consideration, but don't tell me to read up on Ghandi or Christ as you are judging me (without knowing what is in my heart) and Jesus mentioned "Judge not, lest ye be judged." My purpose is not to offend, and while I admire that you are trying to defend whom you believe that I am judging; I feel that in defending "their" rights (which I have no desire to trample on) you are trying to squash my rights to say how I feel.
Since you talk about "what's in people's hearts" let me share mine with you.
Most of the time I'm just a scared little boy. I am alone, and afraid. I fear that my life will pass without anyone knowing that I was here. I am afraid that I can't make sense of this life before it's too late. I am fearful that I will offend someone when they just needed my support, but I'm also afraid of coddling someone when they need to do things on their own.
I'm also so very afraid of not living up to my own expectations; I struggle with suicidal thoughts most every day (since I was in 1st grade); and I am mourning the loss of my marriage. (3 years ago today we got married) I am fearful of being alone for the rest of my life, and not making more progress on my own journey.
Believe it or not, though broken, my heart is good. Not perfect, just well intentioned. I'm sorry that I lack in patience concerning some people's journey. However, I feel that if you knew me, you might recognize that I am sincere, and all to willing to admit that I could be wrong. Matter of fact, I know I AM WRONG to expect so much of myself and others.
I wish I could help you to understand where I'm coming from, but perhaps it's not even important. I have no hard feelings about you; I happen to know you are quite supportive of people in the forums. Forgive me for sounding too judgemental; I wish I could better explain what's in my heart--I too am one of many here who have so much pain in their heart, but I will not give up! I won't give up on me, and I won't give up on anyone else. I think if someone WANTS to be healthy bad enough, they will be able to begin the journey in order to be able to make that happen. Sometimes, that journey has detours, sometimes we have to turn around and go the other direction, but it's not a journey if we sit down and give up...I also could be wrong in that philosophy too, but it's MY belief, and I'm entitled to it.
So, no grand pronouncement as that too is misunderstood, but I do hope that you have a wonderful afternoon.
Sincerely,
Jon