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Nat92 · Sep 12, 2014, 10:53 AM

I'll skip the long intro and dive right into it. I started talking to my ex again and I know what you're all going to say and you're right, you're all right.

It's in no way healthy nor smart, but as much as I'm telling myself, as much as I'm convincing myself it's okay, that I'm over him and I'm moving on, that I can move on - I'm just lying to myself.

I always told him that I needed him and it's true, I do need him in my life. The 3 months where we didn't talk at all, I felt hollow and empty and all I could think about was him, it's normal to think about your ex after a break up, I know.

I have been moving on, I have been improving myself and working on getting better in regards to my depression and now when I'm on the other end, now when all the huge obstacles are out of the way, I don't feel like I've gained all that much, because I have no one to share this 'new-me' with.

I still love him and I so wish I could just stop and move on, just let it all go and find someone else as I'm constantly told to do.

It's so unfair... I hate it all so much and I just want to go back and undo what I did. I wish i could make him understand that it could work out, that I've changed, that my issues aren't going to stand in the way, that we could be happy.

Letting go is so hard, especially when you keep having this little voice that keeps telling you to fight again, to try one more time. It's futile though, I don't even know if he loves me. I fear he may just see me as an ex now, as something that once was, but never will be again.

I feel like Pluto, once I was a planet and now I'm just an ex-planet, a star in the furthest reaches of our solar system.

I wish I could tell him and make him see that all that was wrong could be fixed.

I hate this helplessness, this terrible place I'm finding myself in. Live without him and feel hollow or at least be friends and feel somewhat okay or fight and maybe/maybe not win...

I don't know what to do, I'm so lost and in so much pain...

I feel happy when we talk, happier than I've been in months, but when I go to bed at night, I cry, because I know I'm just a friend, just someone he talks to when he has time, someone he used to think about every day and now doesn't...

I do want him to be happy, I really do but.. I just wish it could be with me...

I could've fixed it all, I wanted to, I just needed a bit more time and it would've been okay.

Stupid love...