My new home has really helped me grow and transform my life. However, about a month ago, things started getting a bit hard.

I'm doing OK overall, but a lot of the impulsivity, grandiosity, need to constant/immediate validation, substance abuse, mood swings, self-deprecation, boredom, dissociation, shifts in self identity, depressive episodes, and irritability has been acting up and has caused problems with my work and social life. I feel very ashamed and embarrassed by my attention seeking and impulsive behavior.

On top of that, my anxiety has been out of control. It's hard to get through work because my heart beats so fast that I am dizzy and it'd hard to slow down and focus. I have to take my klonopin every day. The fluttering in my chest is scary and it's hard to breathe. This is not easy to deal with when I'm teaching English to those who can barely understand me to begin with.

Thankfully, I'm better off than when I was in Europe, and arguably, than when I was in a "bad spot" in the US.

Fortunately, I have pretty good health care here through a Swedish company. The other day, I had an EKG and a test for hyperthyroidism. I'm relieved to know that my heart is OK. My thyroid test results will be given to me on Monday. It's messed up, but I kind of wish that I have the illness so I could take a pill and feel relieved from some of this. The doctor said they could get me more Klonopin if I need it.

I think I can boil down some of the things that have triggered my symptoms:

-I've been abandoned a lot here. I'll make a friend and they will say I am so important to them and then I don't have sex with them and they are gone. One guy refused to let me hang out at his apartment after that and when I called him out for his unfairness, he said he didn't want to be friends with me because I'm nuts. Granted, I have not acted it the most conventional ways around him and have accidentally led him on, but I apologized and was accountable and he said it was all OK then yelled at me later. I was going on dates with a guy and we talked about seeing where things go and then we had sex and he kept postponing plans until he quit talking. My Chinese best friend here and I were super close, but one day he just despised everything I stand for (the West) and kicked me out of his life.
-We're all misfits. Expats are the craziest people ever. I've never been in so many pointless arguments. I get pretty lonely since I can't have meaningful conversations with the Chinese. I hang out with people who feel the same and then we just end up lonelier because we don't get each other.
-I'm constantly getting criticized.
-I don't have college or a move abroad to make me feel like I am moving forward anymore. I feel inadequate as I apply for grad schools and talk to tons of people who have traveled more than me.
-I'm so, so very stressed.

I am fortunate to have some good friends here, but I live in this constant fear that I am letting the crazy out and will burn bridges and **** up at work and be left all alone with a scared record. I hope that I can prevent this all from happening.

However, as I write, I am noticing that I am writing with a better understanding of myself than I had in the past. I hope this means that everything will work out.

Sorry for the length. Hugs, encouragement, and advice would be appreciated. Being a BPD is never easy.

<3 hdtr