Will being well-built, fit and lean really make me happy if the rest of my life is still a mess? I doubt it. There is a fundamental flaw with me that needs to be fixed first. And, the best thing about it is, I have no idea what it is.

I'm not depressed because I'm unhappy with me as such, I'm depressed because I'm not in line with what people have SHOWN me (please note, NOT told me) I should be. They say I must just be myself and be happy with myself, but that's not true. Their actions don't match their words. Bottom line is I have to be someone THEY are happy with. And, there's nothing wrong with that, they deserve a pleasant person in their midst, not a monster.

I've said before on another thread that I think I'm a narcissist. But, all the tests and stuff show I'm not. But, I don't believe one can do your own test. You have no idea what effect your actions have on other people and you don't know how they perceive you. Am I lying on the test, or not lying on the test? What is X in my opinion is Y in another's. I can't possibly be objective. They say be honest. I am honest. When they ask "I am a natural born leader - yes/no" OK you can honestly either say yes or no. But, when they ask "I have grandiose visions for myself - yes/no" now what is grandiose and what isn't? When I discuss my dreams with someone, they might think "Geez, this guy is way over the top, what an egoist and grandiose braggart" while I might think it's a moderate dream to have (I personally wish to open a company of my own one day with a big vision) or I haven't identified it as the power trip it really is, like the other person did. Bottom line - I'll say no and they'll say yes (of me).

Everyone lies and says I'm OK, or a cool guy, but they don't show that. Why do they avoid me like the plague? I can't be a cool guy then. If I indeed have NPD, it will explain why my being happy makes others unhappy. I'm selfish and strange. It's dangerous for someone like me to "love myself". I have such shallow feelings that it's more likely that I'll fall "in love with myself". I'm such a moron I can't detect the difference. I have the emotional intelligence of a chimpanzee. How do you make an ape happy? You give him more bananas to eat, that's it. You can't expect any more or any complex feelings out of him. That's me, a sub-human.