My mother tells the story of how she was sitting and watching me cry one time, praying to god about how she did not want me and could not possibly take care of me so if god wanted me to live, he would have to take over with me, and then I rolled over and stopped crying and from that point forward did not want to be held. My mother tells me and anyone who will listen what a "creepy" child I was because I never wanted to be held. Even after telling that story, though, she says that I was the problem from the beginning. I was difficult. Colicky. Never satisfied. Fussy. Etc.

She also had some idea that I had some sort of divine destiny that god wanted me to live for. Thinking about it more, I really think it contributed to how much and how hard she hit. She did not really think she could kill me or I would die because she thought god had something I was intended for.

Have I mentioned my mother is mentally ill?