So, I am currently in Partial Hospitalization Program. I just spent two weeks inpatient a little over a week ago. My battle is, I do not want to hurt my family but I am not feeling to safe. I could sit here and crystal ball during this whole Forum about what they might say or how disappointed they would be in me. So instead I am going to post about how I feel.
I had a flashback last night around 3:30pm and It lasted the better part of the morning. I did Mindful meditation, I worked on a puzzle, I took a bath, I told myself that I was safe and yet I still felt like my abuser was with me the whole time. I feel angry, upset, torn, depressed, anxious, tired, ETC. I feel like giving up but I have no desire to reach out for the numbers that were given to me today when I had to sign a NO Harm contract. I feel empty and confused and really wish there was a simpler way to fix how I feel. The pain gets so unbearable. I feel lost. Maybe I am sitting in my own stink, but I just do not have the energy to get out. The fight is almost not worth it. My family say they are here for me but when I need them to listen to me they are on the computer or watching tv saying we are listening when really they are not. Then when they do give me there full attention they roll there eyes or sigh or just plain make me feel worse. Why would I want to fight for that? I hear the therapist say that no one can make me feel the way I do. I can only be the one to change it. Well the internal battle is do I want to change or do i just want to roll over and ...? Thanks to anyone who reads this.