Thank you all for your help and words. I've been thinking and thinking on this. So much I think I've got an ulcer. Therapy is something I'm looking at and testing different therapists right now. One thinks we should look at the relationship see if it's fixable, the other wants to do hypnotherapy and thinks I have PTSD from previous very very abusive relationship, a third we will see I have yet to meet her. I want to get on meds. I had some leftover trazodone that I have been taking at night and it helps me calm and actually sleep...I need to find a clinic I can go to and get prescription again for cheap (no insurance yet).
I've been keeping my distance not really talking to the bf and doing some breathing techniques when I'm really upset. I allow myself to cry (alone in the shower or excuse myself to the restroom). I'm keeping a journal even though I just started today. I hope the journal helps...it is hard because I just feel so tired and unmotivated to write in it. I have gotten a few pages so far though.
I do not have a child with this man. He has a 9yr old daughter who he only gets to see 3x a year (Christmas, Spring Break, week in summer). She is his light and he allows nothing absolutely nothing or no one to come between him being there for her. The mom is complete scum. Addicted to Vicodin curses at her own kids when high. Stole prescription pads forged for drugs. In and out of rehab with her two kids (one my bf and one from another man). Doesn't get up in the am to get her daughter to school in time therefore her daughter isn't allowed in honor choir because of tardiness/absence, yet she doesn't work lives off child support, low income housing, welfare, etc. Dating a man who is addicted. But yet TX is so against fathers having custody and it is so expensive to fight we struggle trying to just be there for her. The mother moved 8hrs away so it is tough. If we aren't careful she just goes off the grid and we won't hear from her or the kids for months and it is awful. So I know he will never get to see his daughter again if I let him be charged. Regardless if we stay together or not I cannot do that to his little girl and risk her not getting to see her dad.
I wish the change and help in myself could come faster. I'm trying to be patient and not get frustrated and not say/do the wrong thing (showing myself upset) while at home to break the uneasy tension there.
Little by little.
- side note has anyone ever tried hypnotherapy? What's it like? What did you experience or feel? Does it really work? Thanks.

Daycia