Quote:
Originally Posted by Yearning0723
I always think that my parents both made a lot of mistakes when I was little that deeply scarred me...but I honestly believe that none of it was intentional (misguided, but not malicious), and these days they are much better. So, I want a relationship with them, BUT how can I really forgive and not blame them for the way they treated me and all the problems I have now as a result? I mean, how can you really have a healthy, genuine relationship with a mother who kicked you out of the house at age thirteen and a father who spent your teenage years ignoring you in favor of his new wife when you needed him most after this huge, crushing abandonment? Can you really just move on from something like that?
I know that's what therapy is about, and I think I CAN forgive them and have a healthy relationship with them. I think my relationship with them is pretty good now. I guess sometimes I just wonder if I SHOULD. Especially because I know that especially when I'm with my mother, 99% of what comes out of my mouth is tailored to what I think she wants to hear, because I don't want to uncover old wounds and ruin our relationship again.
It's complicated.
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This post touched me and I think quite a few people in similar circumstances, trying to come to terms with old wounds and people who hurt them an deciding what kind of relationship to have with them. I'm one of them.
Here's my opinion: I think anything is possible and people who hurt others can change their ways. Just because somebody did bad to you, does not mean they are bad people or will always be the same. Even the best of us have hurt others (intentionally or not). I'm glad that you can forgive them for the pain they caused you. And I think perhaps it is in part because you see their actions "misguided, but not malicious."
But I think the toughest part of the question you pose, is whether you "should" forgive them. Obviously just because you "can" does not mean you "should". And you've been hurt by their actions (intentional or not) and living the consequences. Even now you are well aware of the wounds (as indicated by your attempt to tell your mother what she wants to hear) and the past is never far off. This is tough and something I've been struggling with as well. After all this....should I?