yearning, you are asking a whole lot of questions here. i think there is a difference between forgiveness and reconciliation. forgive? yes. reconcile? maybe. that depends in part on the other party doing their part. i'm not sure from what you are saying that your parents have suddenly become good people. i would bet that they have grown as have you and if you no longer live with them then yeah that helps the relationship work a lot smoother.

you can have a relationship with your mom but unless she really takes responsibility for her part and takes active steps to change then no it won't be genuine and healthy. you can only clean up your side of the street. your mom has to clean her own side and you can't do it for her or pretend she has cleaned it when she hasn't i.e. sweeping things under the rug.

so, what are your options then? well, you can have a limited relationship with her. you will probably need to limit how much time you can talk to her or be around her because you would find it detrimental to your well-being to spend significant time around her. it will probably be a bit superficial too because you can't really be your true self with her. i think if you really want to have a relationship with her now then this is your only semi-healthy option. since you're in therapy you'd be working through what comes up as you go along because of course things will come up. this could be helpful and manageable or it could be overwhelming and throw your own progress in therapy off-course.

the only other option while staying in relationship is to do what you have said and just put on the false self, people please away and have a relationship at the expense of your true self and sanity. i would not recommend doing that at all. not. at. all.

the other option is to go basically no contact and work on really healing from your wounds and then when you are in a much healthier place to slowly reconnect again knowing that it still isn't going to be a cakewalk. your mom may change eventually, or she may not, and that is out of your control. what you can control is how much time you are willing to be around her and how much of your true self you are willing to squelch for a relationship with her. sadly, there is no ideal solution here and you have to give up something no matter what you decide.

so, forgive your parents. give up the anger and judgment which i personally find to be a process rather than a one-time event. forgiveness doesn't mean what they did is okay. it just means giving up the anger and the judgment. just don't confuse that with jumping back into a relationship with them and thinking everything is going to suddenly be solved because you've forgiven them. just because you do your part doesn't mean they have done their part. people and relationships are far more complicated than that and it takes a lot of hard work and humility to truly change. accepting that you didn't get the kind of healthy childhood you wanted is all part of the hard grief work you have to do.