x with severe ptsd w/dissociative symptoms due to a complex trauma history dating back to childhood.

I know I started dissociating when I was young. Only in the last for couple of years awareness of how bad it was. As long as I feel safe I am present. Working with a trauma counselor who specializes in dissociation and ptsd, to stabilize my dissociation. I think I tend to dissociate when I am scared and/or stressed.

Dissociative symptoms:
-Drifting inwards blackness, could hear but everyone seems far away. I can looking downs at my hands but nothing else.
-Vision blurry, hearing (sometimes goes mute)
-Losing some time (one that scared me the most having a conversation and signing a consent form with no memory of it)
-Do not hear voices but feel a pull in my head. Like I want to go left but the other part wants to go right.
-Dissociate on the phone. It like like static on the line. I can barely hear the person. My perception is off. I think I am saying something but it turns out they did not hear me.
-Go slightly inwards vision blurry, I clearly hear myself say something and the person does not hear anything.
-One time talking to my counselor she said my voice changed to about an 18 year old when talking about something. I was aware and I was talking just my voice changed. I did feel disconnected.

The blackness and also losing time is very terrifying and confusing for me that when the emotional flashbacks hits really bad. It throws me through a major loop depending how bad the episode was how long it lasts. Sometimes reaction last longer when people react back to me instead of grounding me to the present. I can send out emails, txt or phone calls. I call send out so many and leave messages saying the same thing over and over again it is like a very long narrative. It comes across like I am angry at the person, when I am actually scared and confused. They have the visual pieces and what happened I am missing.

Found emails that I go oh my goodness I don't remember sending and it was really nasty very long novel type email. It is like a part of me has high expectation of the person why didn't they notice this or that, how come they didn't notice. Like writing a a step by step script of what occurred. I send the same thing over and over, it seems like when a new piece to the puzzle I send out another one. I am not like that.

It scares me that I take it out on people who care about me. People take it wrong, I am told get over it it is in the past (another traumatic experience that happened 2 years ago, traumatic because I went into blackness with a slight possibility of losing a little time), that all I do is say negative stuff, etc. It can borderline on harassment. Lot of talking inwards to reassure that I am safe. That I would never know what really happened and people would not tell me what I looked like or sounded like dissociated.

The dissociative episodes can happen even with people that are safe, but I still react that it is unsafe. Something they do unintentionally trigger me. I have had experience where i am fine a person walks in I either go blurry or darkness. The blurry and mute it is like my mind censoring something. It can be a brief moment. It got to the point I have to digital voice record doctor appointment, some doctors are ok once I explain. Since I want to make sure I accurately hear what they are saying and can go back an listen to make sure my perspective is accurate. For surgery I created a safety plan that the doctor receives and a copy goes to the surgery center or hospital. As long as I feel safe I can be grounded. It gives a list of what my triggers are and what to do to help me stay grounded. I did get compliments on it. I do debriefing with the doctor at my first post-op appointment, we both learn something and better ways to improve.