First I want to say how moving it is to read this thread, with all these difficult yet articulate situations and emotions. If anyone is still doubting that they are being authentic, it seems that that doubt can be put away.

My parents were both narcissistic, but my mother was almost absent--so cold and distant--that that is really more the issue for me. I did however develop a false self to compensate and used it for a very long time until it just was not working and was almost forced to dismantle everything and try to rebuild. Hard but really good work to do.

For stuff on narcissism, Kohut is probably someone to look into. He started self psychology, a whole school of psychoanalysis based on the results. He saw at the root of narcissism a deep wound that made the person need and demand constant mirroring to feel okay. And he thought some narcissism was healthy, so kinda like Winnicott's true self.

For a short clear account of how some of this stuff happens, Miller's Drama of a Gifted Child is a good read.

In terms of that awful feeling that your childhood was ripped away from you, that it's so unfair, that you missed out on so much, Judith Herman's Trauma and Recovery has a very good account of those feelings. I can't find my copy to quote, but it is something like this: that people have to not only mourn the childhood they lost, but more the childhood that was never theirs to have in the first place. That is the hard part. And can stir up even despairing feelings while confronting and mourning that. Being really gentle with yourself and remaining connected with people is crucial to getting through.

My relationship with my therapists has changed over time. I started out as overly reliant on intellect and completely undeveloped emotionally. I didn't even know how to recognize let alone name my emotions. I also had an insecure attachment that was probably avoidant.

My progress accelerated when I changed therapists to someone who was a Relational analyst, so very much attuned and aware of how the interactions between us would have effects and possibly would make old stuff come out as well as allow me to develop new ways of relating. And it has worked. My attachment is not insecure now. I like having emotions and don't value intellect as much. I'm more ready to speak up, ask for what I want. I don't avoid conflict and am able to work something out, feel some skills have developed there. But this was all a lot of work. More than 5 years twice a week, with even more years before that with another therapist. And I still am working on emotional regulation, self-care, and authenticity.