Just typed an entire post, apparently touched some random key on my laptop, and now the whole thing is gone.

So here I go again.

I cried last night in therapy. It was only one tear that actually rolled down my cheek, but it was the first time I officially cried. As I was talking, my eyes were all watery and my voice was shaky-- it was one of those times in which if I had allowed it, I could have completely let myself go, but I wasn't ready to do that yet. However, I was definitely in cry mode, and at one point, a tear rolled down my cheek. And it felt alright.

I told him not to expect me to start bawling or anything. He said, "Maybe I will start bawling." I asked him why he said this and of course he said, "Why do you think I said that?" I honestly can't remember at this time what my answer was, but he ended up telling me, "Because I can feel everything that you feel."

This was the last session of 2x per week. I told him that one of my greatest difficulties of reducing to 1x per week is that I've never had the opportunity to have someone who can feel what I am experiencing. I told him how my husband has always been there for me-- always supportive, backs off when I need him to, gives good advice, pushes me when I need a push-- but I have always wanted that moment in which I can sense that he truly feels the pain or the sadness. I told him how he didn't even need to tell me that he feels my emotions-- I was glad he did, but I said that I can sense it in his face, in his actions.

I told him how I have no object constancy. How when he is not in front of me, he is gone. That I am pissed off at myself and at him for ever allowing me to come 2x per week, because now it hurts that much more.

He told me that he hates giving 'homework' but he was going to give me something to do to help me stay connected with him during the week. He told me to go through my McWilliams psychoanalysis book and pick out something in it that relates to what is going on with me-- bring it in next week so we can talk about that. (I had told him on Tuesday that reading the book helps me stay connected to him during the week-- because we both admire her work and it relates to me on both a professional and personal level).

He told me I can call him during the week at any time to give him a 'heads up' on what I found in the book. Or to call any time that I need him. I told him that it's hard for me to call, even though I want to all the time. That even if he gave me specific instructions to call him at a specific time, I would still have a hard time doing it. He said to remember that permission to call anytime was granted a long time ago, and it's alright.

We talked a lot about my SI-- all the reasons why it occurs, about the 1st time I ever did it.

I told him how the other day my husband said to me, "I wish you could love me all the time, not just when you want to." About how I didn't even argue with my husband because he is right-- how I cannot give myself fully and it saddens me so much. That at times, I am just not present. This is when I started to cry, or at least when my tear came out.

Similarly to Tuesday, I was not able to process this session. My husband and I met up with friends from school to celebrate finishing our week-long, 8 to 4 pm group therapy class. We did have a blast, but I was never able to process my session. I am curious as to how this is going to manifest itself during the week.