Stopdog,
I think your mother is totally projecting about the rejecting thing.
It sounds like your mother saw you as an extension of herself. People who recognize others as autonomous individuals do not get upset or disapprove of someone not being/doing things they prefer. Think about it this way--if someone sees another as part of oneself, then if you don't do what that person likes/believes in/etc., then it is rejecting them because
you are them.
Maybe this doesn't apply to your mother, but people who don't see people as separate often have one issue that really stands out--needing other people to reflect back the image of themselves that they need to believe to compensate for feeling completely worthless and inadequate. And that image of themselves is distorted. When someone does not reflect that image back to them, they often perceive that as rejecting and can go into rages, feel attacked and respond to it as if they were being attacked, and many other problematic issues and behaviors. Sometimes when they lose that defense, they have a nervous breakdown (tangent-this is one reason why i don't confront my mother about my childhood.)
People who have this trait can surround themselves with co-dependent people who support that image they need to believe. To illustrate--an extreme version of this is a so-called guru who can have a following of individuals who are attracted to this deceivingly strong person who 'offers' what they don't have, which can often be hope, answers, or whatever and then leading them to believe that they can get it too. But that hope, answers, whatever is usually grandiose and unrealistic, but sometimes more subtle and not too far gone that others catch on...It can become cult-like.
When you talk about feeling the need to keep your soul--that fits right into people who don't see others as separate people. The concept of sense of self is the psychological equivalent to soul in the context you described. And co-dependents to exactly that--give up their sense of self because that's what their parents taught them is necessary to survive or to get even just crumbs of love or caretaking they need. And those who are narcissistic use the others sense of self, controlling it and taking it as their own. I have antennas for this--when i'm around people who do this or attempt to do this, i can sometimes literally feel them sort of 'taking over' my sense of self and trying to make me become part of them. Wish i could have done that as a child.
Very interesting how you knew what was going on and didn't fall prey to that. But i still think she rejected you first.
Really sad to think about how this plays out for everyone involved, including the person who develops this kind of heavy reality-distorting defense.
Quote:
Originally Posted by stopdog
I don't know if I have a relational pattern with the therapist. I am not especially desiring of her approval and I do not fret if she is away. I don't try to please the woman at all. I do want her to stay back.
I did not spend my childhood trying to placate or excessively please my parents either - in fact it was a major complaint of my mother's that I did not seem to care if she approved or not. I sort of accepted I was odd but unwilling to change to not be or to fit in. The exchange for that was that I knew I was responsible for not fitting in and that she was unsettled (ashamed, embarrassed or something) by the fact I was not what she wanted. I seemed to know I could be myself and keep my soul or be how she wanted me to be and lose it. And I preferred my soul to being approved of. The language I am using is a bit over the top - and certainly overstating the situation, I just can't think of more descriptive but less excitable language at the moment.
She was glad I am intelligent, a lawyer, could take care of myself, but she would have been so much happier with me if I was more like my sibling (married, children, the correct neighborhood, right car, the right sort of house with the right sort of decor and so on - not all material things but the package of caring about being usual or correct and not odd like me) or more like she was. She was always surprised that I had friends and lovers. She never thought I was nice enough or something enough that others would like me. She did like my friends and most of my lovers and they liked her too. She was very likable (seriously - people loved her from friends she had from grade school until she died to grocery store clerks who came to her funeral and told me how delightful she was) which is another thing that makes it so odd that I rejected her.
I suppose if there is a relational pattern with the therapist, it is like I relate to other strangers.
I got a bit off the topic there.
|