Vans94, thanks for your advice and support. I suppose two months feeling better (although I was still mildly rapid cycling during that time) is worth the ECT but I am getting tired of it all. My doctor doesn't want to switch ADs and I'm on a really low dose anyway as high doses hype me up. Lamictal is being increased slowly and blood work is being done. Haven't heard of buspar or tried L-tyrosine(an amino acid right??).

I just want to be lifted out of this darkness and despair. Why fight so damn hard to get better only to fall down in a hole so soon again and suffer so much. I have no hope that I will be able to function well enough to have an enjoyable carreer, enjoy my loved ones and life in general. The lights have gone out. I haven't given up fighting. I never will but at times the suicidal urges take over me and I struggle to keep myself safe.