Perna... I have worked hard this week through the sadness and anger and bewildermint and have found a way to get lots of work done and I am off this coming week. I hope to find a way to use this week well for my nourishment and regrowth. So far so good.

Thank you so for sharing your thoughtful experience of your mom's and your child and being able to find your adult within. I have these kind of thoughts but I am not sure how much of these I have shared but this gives me further opportunity for different corners of thought.

I do see myself often having conversations between my child and my adult. So I do find that they take care of each other. Sometimes I need to be reminded that I do have an adult in here ... emotionally and logically. I think that sometimes my child is the one trying to remind the adult to step up to the plate and the child also helps. They do help each other. It is not always equal depending on where my psyche is at the moment. I suppose that might correlate with the Whip to some degree. It is interesting to see what might be there that I do not see. I try to keep an eye out .... but yes...tis a game (or protection or adventure or.. avoidance?) of hide and seek sometimes and sometimes we care to play and other times we do not.

I used to look at the carpet of my first pdoc and the wall with this one. There are two places for me to sit now... one being a comfortable chair...or semi comfy (same as his) and the other a love seat.. not as comfy but closer. I went through a phase of wishing to sit in one when I was feeling more emotional and the other for when I wanted to move forward .... maybe the adult? I have even been known to switch chairs mid session. It is still confusing to me but I think I was trying to be two different parts... like my child and my adult. The couch I think is my adult. The other is a combo of sorts. More tears there at least.

I know that in time rather than looking at the wall or the rug that I would wish that I had been looking eyeball to eyeball to see what the reaction was...or to connect on a truer basis..somehow.

Anger... I have expressed it in the past. He is expressing it now or at least that is how I experience it. I am sure that I hear more than is expressed. My perceptors are off and my fear is up. I think I would like to express some of my anger now...but perhaps I now feel like I need to ask for permission. I feel the anger but I am unsure if I am able to express it right now. I suppose (though I have in the past) I do not feel safe right now. I have always had trust issues. I think I have trusted my therapists more than anyone....

I enjoyed your story about your step-mom but would welcome more of your thoughts ... of do overs. I wish I had a few of those... I also feel that sometimes the obfuscation that is so prevalent to me in my sessions and afterwards... lead to the opportunities for do overs...though the pdoc knows the truth through the repeated stories.... and different perceptions.

I am need some work on the anger things...