Alexandra said, </font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
hey. i'm sorry about my post. i've had my head up my *** for the past few weeks... tryin to refocus... tryin to refocus back...

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Alexandra, no need to apologize. Yes, i agree that control is a difficult issue and sometimes letting go of that control (or perceived control) is at the heart of a lot of frustration, in my case, this time, with the meds.

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You are doing a good job in taking care of yourself. That is very good.

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January, that is the biggest compliment for me! When I was in dire straits bout a month ago, my T just kept saying, "You have to take care of yourself." I didn't know what that meant Now, I know that taking the meds is part of the process of self-care, a new concept for me. Thanks.

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doing what I need to do to help myself live a more fulfilling mature life.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> Mouse, YES, OH YES, I vacillate between my child self and my adult self but wish my mature adult self would win out more often so I keep on working on it.

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I just started a new med and my doc said that most folks have about 5 defenses that hold them strong and I should look at mine as one more defense. Sounded like a good answer.

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I have very, very strong defenses and one of my goals is to let them go.

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Secret & Sunrise,

i think you may be talking about two different kinds of defenses. I have my meds which help me to defend against the illness, the depression and anxiety. I think this might be the kind of defense Secret's p-doc was talking about. I also have my dissociation, a defense that is triggered in therapy when we are getting close to a core issue. I think that is the kind of defense Sunrise is talking about, the kind we want to get rid of.

Does this make sense to you?

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I like your T's answer about noticing the dissociation.

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Echoes, I liked that response as well. He also said, "how have I failed you?" (and that question has floored me because I can't answer it yet).

To all, I have come to terms with the meds. Last night I tried the new anxiety med and today i don't have a brick in my chest, I feel like I lost 20 lbs.! It's just that when I was a kid my parents were so dysfunctional they never took care of themselves and I had no example of self-care. So, with that whole well of dystunction as a model, sometimes I fall back into it

Love you guys