As hard as I am trying to be in the here and now, as hard as I am trying to paint on that mask once again and be okay, I am not. The season is changing and with each minute so is my mind. The memories keep pushing at me from very deep, and at times I feel I am almost back in that time, back in the place I so could not be.

It feels I have fallen deep into a pit that has no end, and there is a big part of me that wishes I didn't know or remember, that the one that held this still held it secretly within and not now within the recesses of my own mind or memories. I know she is there, pushing at me still terrified, still remembering or is it my own mind pushing it at me from a depth I have never been.

The very place of the ceremony, the very place evil dwelt, came alive, and I was given over to that evil, that very place I was the permission of all that would follow and happen throughout my young life and beyond, to even now. My mind cannot handle what is taking place within nor can I seem to find words or strength to reach out other than these silent words appearing in black and white across this screen.

I am terrified. I am running deep within myself, silently away. I cannot run fast enough, cover myself fully enough, hide myself within the walls for I cannot seem to reach them. Flashes come and go, feelings rush in and out, and it feels like I am being engulfed, screaming leave me alone, no, and let this end. I cannot turn off the smells now hitting me from all directions nor can I escape where I am.

As much as I realize I have to go back to this place and face it in order for it to stop terrifying me, and in order to even take another step in healing, I am struggling and feeling very alone and afraid. To the depths of my soul I feel as though this separates me, alienates me, and makes me too much to love, understand, or even care about out a long ever belong truly anywhere except in the evil that surrounded me there. Not even God can. And though I can have faith for everyone else, faith seems to elude me or even connect to myself anywhere.

It feels as though an unbreakable, rusty chain surrounds my neck in an ever sinking place. My fear of the world, people, and even death are chained within me and many within there. Please don't laugh, please don't hate me, for my own hate and repulsion of myself is deep enough for everyone. The struggle of death, of me or of what has me there, is real and it has terrified me more than I have ever allowed anyone to know or see. Even myself.....

Will the struggle of what holds me there be my own death, my mind or myself? A child unable to get away and an adult that cannot find safety still or a way to allow anyone close to this place at least not as myself. This day is just disappearing, just as time disappeared then. My mind is struggling to hold onto good, to anyone close, to not push far away from even myself so I cannot feel it's depth or claws that grip with a never ending pain. I hear you are not there now, it is not happening now, but yet somewhere it is and no one can even see it.

I wish time would just stop, even for a minute, or that these next several days would leave my mind and memory, but neither will and they don't even care that I am not there in this day or this time. I shake inside as if I am freezing, I fight to seem as present as I can, and I feel myself failing. Darkness is falling even in the light of day. The night feels as pitch blackness where silent tears fall and endless screams exist. And the need for someone to know is not as great as this seeming need to disappear or just stop being.

I just want to breath. I just need to cry, but I am not allowed and I am too afraid. I just need to reach but touch hurts and is too fearful in this place. They say years have passed but here minutes feel like forever, time feels like it is swallowing you backwards, and no one safe exists, not here. No one. And the walls feel like they are moving outward, farther and farther away from my reach, and all I want to do is to disappear within them once again away from all that is taking place.

And I am afraid...............