I'm fed up. Why do I have to be popular to get anything?

I'm fed up, I hate how people get relief for whatever and support, because people like them and or know them. It's not fair, I accept, I'm such a ***** worrying about this. I'm going to die from me killing myself someday with my medical problems crashing on me. My stagnant music career, my failing voice and body. I hate myself, because I can't work with this broken body and people say I got it fine. It's far from the truth. I can't cry for help, people don't want to help me.

I'm not what they envisioned as someone who needs help. All I can do is take it out on myself when I can't do a song right or produce a track in time. All I want to do is have my body stop working from my medical stuff someday. I just want this hell to stop, but no I'm told it will get better. I can't take this bs from my family and friends. I'm poor, because of situations I had no control of, I am lonely of things I had no control of I choose to be happy. I hate how people are so damn critical of me and expect me to get better.

I hate having to pretend, I hate doing good at something with my self esteem in the tubes, because I don't have the help I need. I know someone will comment about therapy. I can't afford basic stuff anyways, why bother living. I hate SPS so much, it's robbed me the rest of my freedom I have left so far. I try to exercise like I used to I can't even get an hour in without my body clamping up and being a statue for the whole day.

No seems to care or notice, it's like I have to be either shot in the head or something to get someone to notice me. I seriously hate being me, I serious hate having to go through so much abuse and end up expecting to die the next no matter what success has came in for me. It's BS it's like I'm not supposed to be sad, and all I want to do is kill myself. I don't want to go to the hospitals I can't afford anything. My medical situation has made life hell and I can't afford physical therapy, and I'm tired of my life financially falling apart. I tried making a gofundme account, and end up not getting crap with my story. I'm popular enough or considered crippled enough. I'm done with these people who get everything and are grateful like me, at times, but continue to get stuff when I'm not getting anything.

I feel like I should be the one who should be dead.

**** me!