I think I'm in dire need of ECT treatments even though the 3 I had 8 years ago left me in a huge rage after each treatment. I am labeled "treatment resistant" and this is what my doctor is wanting for me as I have literally been on every typical and non-typical med for chronic major depression, PTSD, Agoraphobia, panic and anxiety disorders, social anxiety, OCD, night terrors, day flashbacks, and I'm sure a much longer list that I'm too exhausted to examine right now. When I had my 3 in-patient ECT's about 8 years ago, I awoke in a huge, total rage!!! No one in the hospital or staff present during the treatments ever followed up with me and no one ever asked me any questions about my experience. I am assuming, based on my experiences, that I got sub-par treatment and no follow-up because I am on disability due to my mental illnesses and I have Medicare and Medicaid....which I don't know if any of you have ever encountered biases for being on this type of insurance, but I sure have in stark comparison to when I was working as a social worker (with mentally ill adults, ironically....boy does God have a great sense of humor!!! If I had only known what was in store for me later in life......I mean, I cannot even articulate the blazing irony about me now being in a position where one can say: "The teacher now becomes the student" If anything, this total 180" flip in my life has taught me great humility and the challenge of accepting "It is what it is." to survive now being amongst your one-time clients as now, one of their peers.....I guarantee you...it is a total mind-blower!!!!! Very strange, I assure you.) When I was working I was always given good care medically, but since I went on to Medicare and Medicaid I have seen much judgment and inadequate care and interactions. My question is have any of you ever had ECT's and awoke in a rage?? You are supposed to awake, after the drugs wear off, feeling better and having hope....I was in an uncontainable rage all three times. As I said, no one at the hospital or after my discharge ever talked with me about my treatments and my thoughts on their efficacy. My hunch is, after I have endured 15 years of the most brutal, vicious, unconscionable, and horrific child abuse I went into an even more abusive foster home and then straight into the arms of what was to become the first of a long list of physically abusive boyfriends for the next 27 years. The brutal type in which I was hospitalized often and left for dead many, many times. I think I awoke in a rage because my brain had been protecting me by hiding horrid and hard to "wrap my head around" images and experiences from my consciousness for my own protection. Mind you, I have always been very open and forthcoming with information and specifics about my 42 years of abuse. I have been in therapy for about 32 years and held no info back from my therapists or psychiatrists. I always was of the thinking that if I dealt with my abuse head on that it would not rear up it's ugly head when I was in my 40's.....thereby crushing the fake world I might have created. I will say, being open and honest about my abuse my whole life has not made my life any easier.......I often wonder if I made the right choice to decide to live with total open honesty and to not feel shame for something out of my control. However, my life has been filled with daily flashbacks, nightmares and disturbing images and shocking realizations.....therefore, my life has not been better by being open and honest......anyway, I am feeling like I am in need of ECT treatments again, even though I vowed to never ever even give that option one moment of my thoughts. I feel stuck and hopeless and have felt this way for almost 10 years. So, I am asking if any of you have ever awoke from ECT's in a rage.....I need to know how you interpreted that reaction and what did you did with your emotions about that experience. Also, if you have experienced rage after an ECT, would you ever consider going through the procedure again. Please! Anyone's input, advice, suggestions, thoughts, theories...etc....are very welcome and will be much appreciated. Thank you for giving me a safe outlet to ask such a personal and vulnerable question.