That's what depression does to you. It lies to you and convinces you you need to die even when your life is beautiful. It's not you. It's your head lying to you. Mine does that to me all the time when I'm depressed or mixed.

I think another round of ECT might be worth it for you. I did ECT years ago and it worked wonderfully for a long time. I had fifteen bilateral treatments. I would consider it again if it came down to it. I agree with some others in that you might be a candidate for maintenance treatment once a month or once every couple of weeks.

Don't let the depression beat you. You are in a safe place. Let them help you. Don't trust your brain right now.