I'm a 34 year old college graduate (Master's degree). I have no children or significant other. I have a pretty good job that has me working part time hours for full time pay. With all these blessings, I still feel like my existence is absolutely pathetic and worthless. I don't have many friends because I've pushed most of them away with my mood swings and anger. I feel so lonely all the time. I long for someone to share my life with and the more I realize that's probably never going to happen - the worse off I feel. I spent too much time watching TV and I have no life. I think about suicide all the time but I don't really want to do it to myself - it's more like I wish I'd die in an accident so my parents and family wouldn't be as hurt as they would be if I had taken my own life. Each night I lie in bed and think about writing my final letters but I never end up doing it, which may be a good sign I suppose.

I'm very tired of feeling this way - hopeless about the future and about my existence. It's all very exhausting. How I long to be a carefree child again sometimes.

A part of me thinks that if I had a husband or children, I wouldn't be so lonely, and would have a purpose and some meaning in my life. I don't even have a pet and I don't think I want one.

I'm even considering buying a house but my depressed self tells me, "what do you need a house for? It's just your lonely self that's going to be living in it!"

I'm currently on Pristiq, 50 mg, but the more I research, the more I want off this and all drugs. I feel like the drug is making me lose my memory and I have trouble coming up with the right word sometimes. Anyone have experience getting off Pristiq? It's a hard medication to taper off of because the pill only comes in 50 & 100 mg's.

Thanks for reading.