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sister said:
Secret & Sunrise,
i think you may be talking about two different kinds of defenses. I have my meds which help me to defend against the illness, the depression and anxiety. I think this might be the kind of defense Secret's p-doc was talking about. I also have my dissociation, a defense that is triggered in therapy when we are getting close to a core issue. I think that is the kind of defense Sunrise is talking about, the kind we want to get rid of.

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Yes, that is it exactly, sister. Thanks for explaining. The positive sort of "defenses" against depression--I have those too. For example, one of my best is getting enough sleep. For me, my depression/anxiety always coincides with an inability to sleep, and if I can "trick" myself into somehow sleeping, it ends up helping with the depression too. Another of my "defenses" against depression is talking with my T and getting to the root cause of why I am feeling depressed. Ferretting out the reason and understanding it really helps me beat those relapses.

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I am googling dissociation... is that obfuscation... confusion or just not connecting?

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SG, for me, dissociation is when I just "check out" while in the middle of painful events that are happening. I just go elsewhere inside so I don't have to experience the pain or the events. I blocked out childhood memories for decades due to dissociation. I've regained some of those traumatic memories in therapy and processed them through EMDR. I also have "avoidance" and "denial", which are two other common defenses for me. Avoidance in therapy: I'll be talking about something that I really don't want to deal with because it is so painful and all of a sudden, I'll announce to T, "I don't want to talk about this" and switch topics. Denial: I minimize some of the horrible things I've been through and am going through right now. T has really worked on this with me, as he said I am in denial about a lot of things. Like it took me ages before I would allow him to use the word "abuse" in connection with me. I was just in denial I had experienced that and could not stand to hear the word. We had a good "denial" conversation last session and I think he "gets it" better now, about why I do this. So much to work on...

sister, that is so great your new med is helping you! I am so glad the 20 lb weight has been lifted.