well...

the first stage is jolly hard enough (IMHO). to feel anything at all. to feel anything at all. and then to be able to talk. to be able to talk about all the past crap. and then to be able to see how feelings and assumptions about and thoughts about ones therapist are (at least partly) based on that past crap. and then trying to be in the moment with ones therapist and seeing what it is that gets in the way and working through that...

%#@&#! mission huh. i guess there is a reason analysis is thought to take 7-10 years...

i am only just at the point of starting to talk about past crap now. that is hard. shame and stuff.

but... i feel cheerful now. something has lifted. i knew i was being childish and the like in feeling so hurt and abandoned right now. i thought that being authentic / making progress / being honest meant getting in touch with those feelings and thoughts. so... i wanted to be honest... without defending against it...

and i've been feeling pretty %#@&#! as a result.

but maybe... its not about that.

maybe its about being able to view him as a person. to acknowledge some of those feelings, sure. but not to focus in on them and feel them so very completely that i get lost in them.

i'm trying...

he DID sound excited about all this. if i stop focusing on me... his enthusiasm is kinda catchy... he was kinda like a little boy with being excited. like christmas was coming or something. thats kinda cute :-)

and i think he probably is feeling a bit bad about me (when he does think on me and i'm sure i must occur to him at times). and... i don't want him to feel bad / guilty. not really.

yeah... little feelings are still there...

but you know... defences are what enable us to function. they are important. defences ain't so bad. time to start using them i think...

BTW... i really do think that inability / difficulty seeing ones therapist / other people for what they bring to the present encounter... seeing them as an object... results from other people viewing and treating us as objects rather than as subjects when we crucially needed them to treat us as a subject.

people can't teach / show us something they are unable to do... and so some people never got the opportunity to learn...

but the cycle stops here.

hopefully... hopefully...

or hopefully... it improves somewhat at any rate.

sigh.