((((((((((((((((((((((((((((wants2fly)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((jacq10)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

This morning I woke up crying . . .

Again . . .

I did the only reasonable thing lacking reasonable access to my pdoc on the weekend. Being terrified that this all felt too much like the weeks leading up to my hospital trip two years ago, I got myself composed, managed to have some breakfast, took a shower, dried my hair, threw on some clothes and calmly drove to the hospital. My poor sister-in-law, today was her birthday, and how'd she get to spend several hours of it? In the local psych lockup with me while they tried to decide if I needed to stay a while.

I assured them I was coming in because I didn't want to have an in-patient experience. So, I spent several hours being checked, talking to their people, and they adjusted my meds until I could get to my pdoc on Wednesday. "Do you think you'd be better off if we admit you and you spend a few days? I was asked several times." "No." I said "I need help coping and taking control of how I'm feeling not having control of my life taken from me. I don't want to be Sandra Bullock's roomie in '28 days' thank you very much!" They suggested I journal, it would help me keep track of what I was feeling when. I had my most recent volume with me and said; "This is a 200 page college ruled composition book, I don't write in it everyday, but when I do, I'm complete. I'm about halfway into right now. I started this volume in the middle of March? That good?"

"100 pages in two months? Well, yeah, that's good." They said . . .

So I'm at 'home' now, a place I've been living for almost three years, a place of madness and almost constant crisis. My sister-in-law has serious problems of her own, and the house is in foreclosure, which is just part of why I'm so freaked out. I'm scrambling to find a place I can afford on disability, that is somewhere reasonably close to my support network, but it isn't easy. The places that I can get help from want all sorts of paperwork and such I cannot handle doing, it's like going through disability again, and in some ways worse.

Everyone wants more from me than I can give, and it is getting so old.

The folks at the hospital were stunned at how much I am doing on my own behalf.

Positive self talk? Yeah, I've been working hard on it. Progress in two years, oh the stories I could tell you. I was being stalked by my husband and his parents, I had to have my SSN changed and everything else. I did it, managed it, survived it.

Kicked all the bad stuff. Caffeine, Un-healthy foods, diary, getting exercise 3 times a week (or more), meditation, deep breathing, journaling, this IS my full time and more job. Everyday, day in, day out I've been fighting for 8 years since my husband started hurting me, betrayed me, heart, mind, body and soul. Every waking hour. Hobbies? Wow, sometimes, when I can, I like to take pictures.

PTSD, Anxiety, fear of everything and everyone keep me practically shut in. Took me years to get to the point where I could go to Curves by myself. But I can do it! I DO! Well I was until things started pushing on me so much that I was drowning again.

I'm fighting for stability, and I have to look up a long way to see the bottom of Maslow's hierarchy of needs. I'm treading water, and tired. I need to just be able to wake up not terrified of the sheriff showing up and saying, we don't care where you go, but you can't stay here.

Oh, goodness, I'm rambling. Me, I'm allergic to the media, I don't buy what they are selling, it just isn't real. I joined Curves not because of media, or program of anything other than the fact that there are NO MEN. It's a small quiet place, and the women are real, friendly, and we don't judge each other. It's good, and something I can do. Helps my mood, and my body. Of late though, the pain in my chest has spread outward, my whole body hurts, and working out makes it worse. I'm hoping getting my meds adjusted will help with that.

Older than me, mozel tov, you have my sympathy. I very much want and need to get my life under better control, get some stability going on, get some hobbies going on and start putting a bit more me time into it. I don't want to die, but I feel like the stress, the churn, the constant fight is killing me again. I won't have to do anything, one of these days my body is going to fail.

That scares me.

The muscle tension is doing harm, and I can't consciously do anything about it. Meditation is something I've been doing for years, got me to stop cutting when I was in my teens, and there was a time I really enjoyed it. Now I HAVE to do it? I resent that. My husband died, so he can't hurt me anymore, but he's still taking things from me . . .

Thanks for listening, my sister gets it, but I only get to talk to her on Saturdays or when she calls me. Living in Alaska she doesn't always have her phone on, in fact most of the time it's off. I have a support network, but it is not quite exactly what a girl could hope for. Some is better than none yes, and I'm working on more, but wow . . . Like I say, so much hard work all the time. Right now, maybe I should try and get some sleep . . . I just don't want to wake up crying again . . . So much fun . . .

Again, thanks for listening! I'm glad I stumbled across this place. I don't always make it over here, or on the computer really, but when I do, it is nice to find people who aren't clueless twits . . . ((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))) everyone!