This is my first post here. I was just looking around and reading. Can someone please tell me why this seems so scary to me? As I read, it is not that I have not heard this before about different things, but I am finding it very scary to me. I am afraid that I cannot be loved by God. I sometimes go to church but I find myself getting tears in my eyes and being terrified of what is being said or done. I could not heal as those in the church felt that I should. I was not able to just give my past to the Lord and be okay. I was not able to just say verses and not need to talk about what happened to me. I needed outside therapy and that was not okay. Plus it had to be by a christian therapist that was approved. The pastor and my ex-husband (he was not my ex when this happened) went to the therapist first and came back to tell me it was okay but that if I did not improve in 6 months, I would no longer be supported. In the 6 months, I did not get well or better and was not supported so I quit therapy and withdrew. Later, I went back into therapy and was not with someone that they thought was good for me and I went with the pastors wife and quit yet again. Now, I go to church sometimes but I am scared to death. No one knows that I am not well. I just do not tell anyone and I smile and put on a front so not to be judged or in trouble. I just do not talk anymore to anyone. I just do not understand why talk of God scares me and that I feel that I am doomed. I am shaking because I do not understand.