My session last week was one of those great ones. I've been basking in it for 4 days now.

I felt like I reached a new level of trust with my therapist. And we are congruent again. There have been some recent sessions of dissonance that have left me confused. In the week leading up to my session, I went through many changes in thinking and feeling. I seemed so inconsistent--thinking something one day and the next reaching almost the opposite conclusion, and even reversing my thoughts on something I had clung vehemently to for months. I shared some of this with my T. He said I am growing and changing. Like the cherry tree in his yard. One day with buds, the next with blossoms, then small pale green leaves, then large leaves. It's called growth, he said, not reversal or inconsistency.

This was one of those rare sessions where I cried. I was very open and let myself share some hard moments. I had to do a lot of looking at the ground, but I let the tears come. And told him some really difficult things. I thought of my fantasy a few weeks ago, of cutting myself open and letting myself bleed onto his carpet. So I did some bleeding this session. It felt good, honest, authentic.

In this session, I gave T invitations and openings, and he took them. There was a dance of indirectness that was charming. And when he accepted I almost could not help but grin, and had to change the topic abruptly to help myself contain the joy.

We're going to take a new direction in therapy, not without its risks. I feel a real trust in T for this. Something happened in the session, a moment of relaxing into the trust and really meaning it. I liken it to the moment when I was giving birth to my second child, and the head was crowning and I was really scared of ripping or having to have an episiotomy (I did not want the doctor cutting my flesh or having to stitch me up). My doctor just put his hand on my belly, and the other hand on the baby's head and told me to relax, don't be afraid, just listen to him and do what he said, and he would deliver me without any tearing. And in that moment I just trusted him completely, totally relaxed, and everything came out fine, just like he said. That's how I felt with my T in our session. Like there was a moment where something changed and I just totally gave my trust to him. He had some reassurances to give me, but I didn't really need them. I also listened to his hesitations/warnings about the dangers to our bond. I asked, "but you can do this, right?" He said, "yes, but what about you?" And I said "we can handle this," and I could tell it made him feel good that I had such faith in us.

As I said in another thread somewhere, sometimes I have moments of connection with my T that are almost mystical. And such moments are always healing.