I decided to write my T an Email last night I should provide a little info.... I see her twice a week, and at my last session last week, I shut down. I am not one to cry in therapy, but a topic was brought up that can usually make me cry fairly easily. Being uncomfortable with crying in front of anyone, let alone T, I just shut down. I didn't want to talk much anymore. My T was very kind and compassionate about it....and I was a bit embarrassed afterward, she was very aware what happened. Had I not cried, it wouldn't have happened...but that's just how I am. Perhaps that's why I try not to cry.

She said yesterday she has worries about me getting overwhelmed and frustrated, and then quitting therapy all together. She said she thought the method we were using (whatever that is) may not be working so well, that it seems I'm going the wrong way, so perhaps I needed a method that's more "structured." I don't know what she meant by that and asked for clarification, and ask she was thinking of the answer....I inadvertently changed the subject when something else popped into my head.

Really, my tuning out last week had some effect on her I think.... made her think that this way of therapy is not working, made her worry I would quit, etc etc. So I felt like I needed to reassure HER. I did tell her though that my biggest fear has always been that when I decided to try therapy again after a couple of decades, I would be told they couldn't help me. She assured me that wouldn't be the case....

Anyway, I'm hoping my Email to her sheds some light on how I'm thinking....and "feeling" inside. This whole talking about FEELINGS is new to me....and the fact that I am acknowledging them, talking about them, and have someone who will listen to them, is a whole new experience for me.