Trigger warning, csa and sexual stuff!

So, last week I told my t that I knew a family friend had made me do sexual things with him when I was about 13. I'd had sort of weird memories popping up in the last couple of months, then I just 'knew'. I remembered images, and a few weird conversation bits too, but only fragments. When I told t I felt very shaky.

Anyway, last weekend I was at college in a new group. There were two guys there, very sweet and friendly and respectful but I felt soooo panicky around them. I had to say it to the group in the end because I felt it was obvious. I felt like crying all weekend, and so sick and disgusted.

Then, two days ago, I decided that I am lying. I have made this stuff up. I have lied to my t, and I just don't know why. I understand how awful and offensive that can be to someone who has been abused, and I'm so sorry. But I think I made it up. I am all over the place.

There are some things which I know happened, and don't make sense if I have lied. But when I think that it is true, I just know I have made it up. I'm not making any sense. I wish I hadn't told t, I wish that we could just never talk about it again, and I could read her some awful poems from my journal (think Vogon poetry on hitchhiker s guide to the galaxy) and talk about her cats.

Sorry, long post, making no sense. Someone unknot me.