I never actually factored hope into my recovery from depression. Rather, I looked at it as a problem that needed to be solved. My behavior and my outlook were inefficient modes of being, and they needed to change. I got sick of feeling like ****. So I decided to work at it to feel better. Once I got rid of the main things that were making me feel depressed, I felt better.

And then I got worse again. Because of paranoia and mood. You can't kill paranoia with positive thinking and a simple change in thinking. It doesn't work like that. It just comes back with a vengeance. So I went on an antipsychotic. I got better, less mood swings, no more feeling like I'm being ripped apart inside.

It still comes back. Sometimes it comes back for no reason. That's the worst. No thought, all feeling. That's when I know it's nothing I'm doing wrong. It just is. It requires a lot of care and vigilance, and you can't be afraid to ask for help, and you can't isolate yourself. Those are probably the two most important things I've learned. I used to do the opposite all the time and it just made me sicker, because I felt no one understood, and I felt judged.