Hi guys,

I'm new to these boards and probably not the best way to make an intro but I'm having a really hard time dealing with my current situation and I needed to talk to someone outside of my current environment or at least be heard even if there's no dialogue or I'm gonna lose my mind.

I lost a close friend 5 days ago in a car accident. She was driving home from her parent's place and a guy in the opposite lane was apparently over the limit by like 40km/h and he hit the medium strip, ended up in oncoming traffic and hit Becca's car. Anyway long story short, 5 people ended up in hospital but she was the only one who died straight away but apparently another girl was quite badly hurt and of course the guy who caused the crash has relatively minor injuries.

She'd just finished her PhD at 30. She was so gifted and so beautiful and now she's gone. I keep walking around my house and thinking "Oh my God, she was standing in this room, a week ago and now she's never coming back."

When her mum told me it was like 2am and I just couldn't believe it, like I thought there had to be a mistake so I called her over and over and drove to her place to check and I felt like I was going out of my mind, as though it was some kind of nightmare or something I imagined, hearing her voice after she'd gone made it seem so unreal and I remember my hands, feet and face went numb.

And now I'm so angry. I've never felt this angry before, for the last 4 nights, I just lay awake crying for like 6 hours until everything hurt and I just scream and scream and scream. I miss her so much and she's never coming back and I don't know what to do. It's like there's this heat behind my eyes and in the back of my head, like my brain is getting hot from thinking about her and the crash and the guy who killed her, I just keep imagining it over and over and I can't stop. Its all I think about and I'm so tired and scared that the rest of my life is going to be like this.

I just don't understand why he had to be going so fast, what could he possibly have been doing that he needed to be speeding so much!?!? I hate him and I don't even know his name. I know its such an evil, selfish thing to want, but God help me, I wish he was dead. I'd give anything for it to have been her that lived and him that died. It's so unfair she deserved to have a life and be happy and now that's not going to happen and she's gone forever and I don't know what to do.