I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm a recovering addict of over a year. I have a minor bipolar called Cyclothmia. I have high anxiety and am from an abusive parental family. I have a 17 yr old son that is a using addict. I started counseling over a year ago. I went there to help my son and ended up telling my T that I was also an addict. He is a recovering addict also. We really can relate to each other. He has helped me tremendously. I love my sessions. I get there with a lot of anxiety and once I start talking to him I'm so calm and relaxed. I am very self destructive. When my emotions start rolling I want to take it out on myself. I am a cutter too. The only reason I have been clean so long is because of him. I was using for 30 years. With his support I had my son arrested for pot after everything else failed. I did it to get him help. He is in a drug program with the juvinile court now for a year. He has not changed one bit. A few weeks ago he missed court and they put a warrant out on him. He steals from me and sells my stuff. He doesn't go to school. Since there was a warrant out on him I found out where he was staying and had him arrested. He is now in the juvinile detention center with a court date set for May 29th. My life has really changed because of my T. I'm not cutter as much because I don't want to dissapoint him. I've had a few slips in my drug recovery. I tell him every time. I don't like to tell hiim beccause I don't want to dissapoint him. He talked me into being a member of N/A. I have a sponsor, but I can't tell her about the real me inside. She doesn't know about the cutting and whenever she asks how I am I tell her fine just like I tell everyone else. My T has helped me to open up. Every week I tell him something else about me. I'm also a binge eater. After a binge I don't eat for at least 24 hours. I haven't yet purged, but been thinking about it. I told my T and he asked me not to purge. That is the only reason I haven't. Part of drug recovery is calling people in the fellowship and making new relationships. I haven't really felt like doing that because I don't feel good enough about me. Every week my T asks me if I made any phone calls. He's really trying to push me out of my house (which he calls a fishbowl). I just like being by myself. I am divorced with no help from my abusive x husband with my child. I'm fine with that because he is a addict/alcoholic. Last session my T asked me if he's asking me too much about finding relationships. I told him I feel like he's pushing me out. He said he is not. He didn't want me to feel that way at all. I said "your not going to abandon me?". He said no I'm not going anywhere. He said when the time comes I will reduce your sessions slowly. It's not going to stop suddenly. He said some counselors will keep you going for the money, but he felt that is unethical. He is a Christian counselor. He has also helped me understand God. I had a little tear fall when he said he wouldn't abandon me. I said a few months ago I couldn't cry at all, now I cry all the time. He said that I am healing. He wants me to journal when I cry. Ever since I left that session I have been crying constantly. It has been 2 days now. I can't stand the thought of my sessions ending. I'm afraid I will revert back to my old ways. He's the one that keeps me going. I may even be dead my now if it wasn't for him. i haven't told him this though for fear of rejection. I haven't eaten for 2 days now and don't want to. I havent' taken my meds today because I don't think they are helping. I take 60 mg cymbalta, 200 mg wellbutrin, 300 mg. trileptial. I am in a severe depression and can't stop crying. I seem to be moving around a bit more today. I can't go to work like this. I don't know whether to call my family doctor or try calling my Pdoc which only subscribes medicine or leave a voice mail for my T. I normally don't talk to T outside the session. I'd rather talk to him in person, but won't see him until next Saturday. I will be seeing my Pdoc May 7th. I won't be able to get into him unless there is a cancellation. I would be able to get into my family doctor tomorrow. I want her to write me off work for next week. She knows my situation and is also a recovering addict. I almost went to the hospital last night because I am scaring myself. I've never been in this deep of a depression. My eyes are all swelled up and sore. I normally go to church today, but didn't think I could control myself when they start talking about all the love and stuff. I think I'm depressed from him talking about my sessions ending. I won't be able to deal with that. My T is the first person I've talked to that I can open up with. It's been slow, but getting better at it. I just feel so much better when I leave, I can't imagine not seeing him. I don't know what to do. Any suggestions?