So this took a turn for the worse. The doc I saw (was a she) was the same one that messed up my Xanax prescription on purpose so I would run out. She also stomped around the room and yelled at me for using Xanax at all.

I told her I went off Ritalin because I never got a response from the nurse. She had a look in my files and there was no entry for when I saw the nurse. Instead of admitting that someone made a serious mistake, she told me the nurse did not exist and that I made it all up!

Of course it really upset me and she was mean and cruel through the whole appointment, it started with her not even wanting to shake hands (which is custom here). Anyway I made it clear once again I will not do the drug screening and said the nurse would check if doing it in blood instead of in urine was possible. Of course I got yelled at some more, because doing it in blood seems more expensive. Anyway, she told me she would bring it up with the team and see if I could go back on Ritalin without the drug screening for one year and after that they make a new decision. This was the only good thing about the appointment, else it was awful and triggery.

I asked her that any reply should be in writing. She agreed. Still she called me. I did not care because the news was good, I was indeed allowed a year on the med without the drug screening.

So, that was that. I thought.

Yesterday I got a new load of paperwork from the non existent nurse demanding I take the pee test within 24 hours or all my meds will be withheld. I assume my nurse and my doc never met, they should have they work at the same small clinic!!! But even if they did not, the nurse should be able to look at my chart and see I was freed from the pee test. So I assume the doc never documented it.

And I have no written proof either.

Going off and on this med is not good, it destabilizes me totally and also this kind of hassle triggers me to the point of wanting to give up. Yesterday I just popped out all the Xanax from one blister round and downed them. It didn't calm me. I was still scared and upset.

I seriously don't think I can do this. I can't fight people who mentally spit on me and kick me. I shouldn't have to do this. I should be treated as a person. Actually I should even be treated nicer than a normal person since I have a mental problem. But no. For some reason I have no rights. For some reason I am in the same group as criminals.

At the same time my nurse friend tells me ER care is deteriorating and that docs illegally withhold care for people deemed not worthy so they die. And it is now a constant, normal thing to save money.

This world is too cruel for me. I don't have any fight left in me.

All I have is a shytload of flashbacks from former mental abuse in psychiatric "care".