I mean I am already suffering from psychosis, and I spend most of my time, reading or learning something when I have too much time on my hands. Most what bothers me, it's annoying when you know people aren't doing that intentionally it's just how it is, but you can't help, but get angry about it because of that.

It feels like you are trapped and you have to stick talking to yourself for awhile. I am more than familiar with it. I was a popular kid in school, at some schools, but most of the time. I was popular, because I was viewed as the rebel or bad a.. when I really didn't want to fit in. I just wanted to be myself growing up. I intentionally made myself an outcast to avoid ignorance, but at the same time. Those people's support or knowledge I'm in pain, even if they were actual close friends at a time or not. It would be nice if people tried to help me with this, but I'm glad at work they do help me with my stiff person kills my mobility. I still work, I am trying to move, because I know I'll be put in a wheel chair if I don't according to the neurologist who diagnosed me with this. I haven't had physical therapy, I'm freaking 20. I am active with my health, but emotionally the support for me when it came to this and my psychosis is not their, because it's exhausting explaining it and them completely lost interest like I'm supposed to be a fad or telling me I should live like this or do that on useless advice that applies to people that are not in my situation after they ask you what's wrong in the first place.

I want to tell a girl I like her, but it's like so awkward when she is not on my mental level or has a short attention span. I do like to talk a lot when they want to know, but I don't give people the courtesy of what's on my mind and spare 99% of the details that matter and go in a BS pattern of making up things that aren't really bothering me and say they are so they can just get off my case.

I had this in my friendships before and it doesn't do anyone good. So I don't talk about my problems period anymore. Also when I date someone, I hate having to be so superficial, it's like artificial and when I want to have something fulfilling and actually want to know the person. The other person is very ignorant and condescending. It's like I have to shut out everyone no matter how close they are to me, because they choose not to understand even if they support. I appreciate it, but it's like I have to be shot in the head 4 times and live somehow on life support and make a full recovery to get support or something.

****. like I don't want people holding my hand, but at least. I wanted a fundraiser so I can take care of my health through physical therapy and mental health. I haven't had either, well mental health I hadn't had since one out patient appointment once in early june and before that in march. Also I never had physical therapy once. I am in need of it for this. I used to go from physically active all the time who likes working out to lying around, because my body doesn't want to move. It's like a statue. I work on music hoping to get big, which surprisingly it's actually might be a reality with the label I'm working with, but I wanted the fame because of my story to be heard nothing else.

So I focused on making my story on triumph even if I'm still struggling, but I've wanted this since after I was 4 when I was tortured and raped by my neighbor and being treated less than dirt in my lonely town of heroine/meth addicted urban redneck folk in ohio. I never had the chance, even west boro people were talking crap accusing me as evil from what happened. I can't even make this crap up, it's messed up. I wanted the attention growing up in school, but I had to learn not to get mad and have outbursts in class, but a few I should of gotten mad. I mean one teacher said a comment about my grandma who just passed away when I was in sixth grade and I lost my cool on her. Yeah I got suspended, but I loved her so much she went through hell like I did, she's an incredible woman and mom/grandma figure. Like my parents say, she had alzheimer's and she got abused by people in the nursing home when I was getting abused not mere bullying at school. I didn't get bullied like popular belief, by my parents, people who were from there and know that area know it's bad news. I felt safer in an inner city hood where people get shot and robbed than that town in the country suburban area.

I mean I had people support me, and I had to learn to move on, but sometimes. I don't understand people, because after all that inhumane treatment I just had to force myself to nonchalantly pretend it didn't affect me. It got every one of my nerves when a girl or a guy who had not even near as a struggle I had, maybe he or she was a brat in general, but when something like for instance someone they love got sick with something or a loved one died. I understand people lending support and I did myself, but when I mentioned my story. No one says anything except, saying I don't know I can't help you, but people want to help someone who even though is far off more fortunate than I was or more privileged than I was, which material things and things people worry about at my age doesn't really bother me.
Get all the attention and love in the world for whatever reason and make this notion on how strong, powerful and awesome they are. Then people who are truly truly struggling, they get kicked around even more and told to suck it up. It's such a hypocrisy, I seriously hate a lot of people who do this. I mean I don't care who you are, I'll support you even if your pet snail died, but it's so insensitive people get. It's like people in this country and maybe all developed countries are like this. When they see something that's beyond inhumane if it's not on the news or something blown up on social media they tell you it's your problem in a condescending manner and to suck it up. Life sucks, I go through this, blah blah blah and they complain more than you ever did in one minute.

You have to say being alive really has tested my patience and I'm far than exhausted. I can only be honest, since I have nothing else to give. I just rather been wise and not want the attention and just focus on me and ignoring everyone. It's so much harder than it seems, because when I go on a date with someone it's so awkward when that stuff comes up. I know I'm going in circles, but you get the point.