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Originally Posted by StressedMess
Is this post ok to discuss Al-Anon? I went to my first meeting tonight and was super uncomfortable. Social anxiety, all eyes on me, curious silences as if inviting me to speak, people getting all touchy-freely and holding hands and hugging, and standing in a circle linking hands and reciting the serenity prayer which I refused to do.
Yes I have been co-dependent (whatever that is) my whole life, yes I was involved long term with 3 different alcoholics, and yes I relished playing the long-suffering martyr for taking care of these men who were not capable of loving me. And after I split from the last one my mood fell into the toilet within 3 months and after 7 months I was practically catatonic. My friend said I was addicted to his chaos and his behavior, and that I was sicker than him and it would take me longer to heal.
Acknowledging that I could not control their drinking or their behavior just made me more ashamed of my acceptance of that treatment for 20+ years, since the only behavior I can expect to control is my own. That makes me feel like a huge failure.
Anyway at the end of the meeting they all looked expectantly at me so I gave a bit of my story, red faced and literally cringing from nerves and shame. Ran out of there like my *** was on fire. My friend who talked me into going said she was really shocked that I spoke, as they expect you to listen and absorb for the first 6 or 8 meetings. Gee thanks for the heads up 30+ year member, I feel really stupid right now. And why the curious glances and expectant silence if they didn't expect to hear from me?
So logically I decided I hated it, and have to miss the meeting next week since I have therapy. There's another group near my office who meet on Mondays, so we are going together to that one. I am trying to keep an open mind but I really hated the experience tonight. Anyone else?
This time I'll be better prepared for touchy-freely and hugs and praying out loud, and I'll bite my tongue until it bleeds before I say anything other than hello.
Do these meetings really help people like me, who blame themselves for their circumstances and are ashamed of telling the world how long they accepted maltreatment?
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I found Alanon helped me a great deal. My case is a little different. I was a member of AA for a number of years and was getting a little burnt out. When I got sober i found out I had lots of co dependent issues that were covered up by the drinking. I grew up with an alcoholic father and found out we take on certain roles and masks. Martyr, Victim, Scape Goat, Peace Maker, Rescuer, Clown, Hero, Lost Child, Care Taker, etc etc.
Alanon allowed me to recognize those behaviours and change them. I still have a really hard time with peacemaker and conflict between two people makes me very uncomfortable and I want to fix it to take away my discomfort. I have to keep telling myself over and over that it is not my place and none of my business. Rescuer was the biggest one for me when new in recovery. I got past that one.
It was a little awkward at first as some of the new members in Alanon viewed me as the enemy coming into their sanctuary because I am an alcoholic. They got to know me though and liked me and realized I needed it too. I didn't quit AA I just went to both.
There is no rule on when to share or not share. That is totally up to you. Often I have had no intention of sharing and then someone says something that makes it so I can't wait to share. The huggy, touchy, and prayer stuff didn't bother me so that was not an obstacle.