((Sweet)). Thanks so much. I know I need to tell my pdoc, I am so scared. I went on a site; to look up the in's and out's of this disorder. I honeslty did not believe that I was schizoaffective; but I am not sure. Somethings really caught my attention. With this illness, people may think that others can hear their thoughts or they are being plotted against. Holly crap; When I am out or in a uncomfortable discussion; I think this way. I think; keep ur mind clear, Liz, what if they can hear u think. With my court case; I started to think that all of these people are in on this. Like; child protection, home assessor, lawyers (mine and his). Because with all of whats happened and the documentation I have; the backing of my family doctor (in regards to my son's illness); they are all against me. It did not hit me until I read this tonight. My schizoaffective was the depressive type. I have all of these symtoms again. Insomnia, loss of appetite or weight (this one not accidental), reduction of normal interests, impairment of concentration, guilt, feelings of hopelessness, suicidal thoughts. May be convinced that they are being spied on or plotted against.
When I saw the spying part; I thought I was going to be sick. I rationalized with it for so long; but reading it sure hit home. My kitchen window has no cover; I bought the wrong size (measuring problems.) I just have not bothered with it. Anyway, I am constantly looking out this window; checking to see if any new vehicles are out there. Not too long ago, there was a car outside, not far from my yard. I did not recognize it so I obsessed with going to the window and keep watching; I was straining to see if someone was in it; watching me. I honestly thought I should go buy binoculars so I could see who is out there. How screwed up is that. But at the time when its happening; I cant think straight. I totally convince myself that my ex hired a PI or something. I am always looking in the mirror when I drive, to see who is following me.
I can't believe that I am posting this; how embarassing. I am ashamed of this. Am I schizoaffective. I know u can't tell me that. I dont expect any answers here; no one has any. I wanted to get this out of my head; maybe I can prepare better; to talk to my pdoc.
What was really upsetting tonight; my ex did not phone.I left so many messages; told him he is to be here (my house; feel safer), on Friday, when he is done work. I told him it is a must. No call. So if I tell my doc this; I wont have a choice; he will force me into h. So my kids get hauled off into foster care. No way! They have never had something like this happen before; foster care. they have been though enough then to get removed from my care. They cant take anymore hurt. I am not sure how I will get to my appointment tomorrow. Not sure if I said anything about tomorrow. I am to be there at 1. My boyfriend is out of town again; I forgot. He leaves at noon and gets back at around 3. This was the only time i could get in; actually he rearranged his schedule for me. I dont want him to think that I am avoiding the help; i do want it. He had said he was going to hold a bed for me; not sure till when. Cant see it being long; theres many people that need help. Cant hold a bed for someone at their convience.
So these are my fears; I hope I dont freak anyone out. I sound crazy I know; but its whats going on.

justy