I am very similar. I usually pick the biggest AA meeting I can find because I feel more anonymous in a crowd. Alanon meetings are always smaller and more intimate and that much more scary. I kept going and with practice could overcome it but it is still very hard for me.

You shared a lot just now and that is very powerful. Sometimes we perceive people are thinking about us and judging us when really they are only thinking of themselves and their problems and fears. That doesn't make the feeling any less real.

I can guarantee you that many people in Alanon have gone through what you describe or may be right in the middle of it right now. I have heard many stories.

I am not saying you should go or not go. I would hold on to your Alanon buddy though for support even if you are not ready to go with her. Maybe one on one with a T is what you need as you have said. Maybe just read the books on your own. I found that helpful. Daily meditation books as well.