(WARNING: might be lots of triggers for others.. so please be careful reading it)

What can you do when you're at your all-time low? When the things you used to do to get out of it does not work anymore. Memories keep creeping up and popping in my head, making me hate myself, making me want to end my life. I heard this saying "when you ask God for forgiveness, don't forget to forgive yourself". That saying is true, but so hard to do. What if you ask for forgiveness but you can't forgive yourself? When forgiving yourself is hard to do, what else can you do? When you're at your lowest and things get over your head, what can you do? Forgiving oneself is hard to do in my opinion, but how can you overcome that in order to be "well" and move on? What else can you do but put up a face to show you're okay, but deep inside you know you're not.

When you reflect on your life, what do you see? Do you see happiness or do you see sadness? For me, I see both. When I would reflect on my life and my life dream, I get saddened and lose hope. People get to live my life while I am here stuck in limbo. Yes, a lot of people have told me I control my life and that I should make the decisions. Unfortunately that is impossible with how my family is. I can't even get out of the house to be with friends without them, my parents, calling and texting me every 5 minutes. Yes, I know we live in dangerous times now and they're just looking out for me, but sometimes I think it is a contradiction from them. Why? Because my dad would ask me what I want to do with my life, but then when I answer something they do not agree with, they put me down right away. How can I evolve if I can't spread my wings?

I know I shouldn't think of the negativity and think positive, and sometimes I feel that my problems aren't even worth sharing. I just don't know how to get out of this "slump". I do not know if it's the self-destructive attitude or what, but I tend to do something to myself or wish ill upon myself. There have been times I would think I would have the "big C" and I wouldn't seek medical attention (might be a trigger here) because I don't want to be well and that I know I do not have the resources for the treatment. I am in THAT low of feeling.

I know in some extent that there is no one to blame but me. It is my own actions, my own fault and my own f(insert swear word) life. When I'm with my family, I tend to stay away and keep my distance. They do call me to be closer, but I don't know, I just don't go to them. They don't even talk to me and there's nothing to say, so why stay. My mom said I don't get depressed, that's what they know. Sometimes I think of (another possible trigger) taking the lethal dosage of Valium and cut my wrist at the same time to make sure that I won't be saved. Even though God says I am not a mistake, I know that I am.

How can you think you're not a mistake when deep in your heart you feel you are? When you feel you're just a waste of life, time, energy, and most especially attention. When you don't deserve to be loved. Have you also ever felt even though you are surrounded by people you love, you still feel alone? There are times I feel I do not have friends. I only have acquaintances. I don't remember having a best friend. I had one when I moved to a new school, but then she told me if it was okay if we would just be friends and not best friends. Then in college, I had a friend that I really got along with and became best friends, but even she disappeared. What would that make you think if it were you? People always leave, that's for sure. Tried and tested.