hey. ((((pinksoil)))) 'pathological' is not a nice word. it implicitly contains a value judgement of 'it would be better not to be pathological'. i'm sorry i used it.

i don't think it is a bad thing to view your therapist as an object.

i'm viewing mine as an object too.

i... felt like an object a lot when i was a kid. couldn't accept my thoughts / feelings / behaviours / body etc because other people didn't seem to like me much. was always trying to be different. don't feel like anybody ever delighted in or had empathy for my subjectivity.

its hard to view people as subjects when we haven't been treated as subjects ourselves.

but...

yeah, i think that a more (i hate to say this) 'mature' mode of inter-relating is possible. what do i mean by 'mature'? one that is more fulfilling for us. for us. and for the objects/subjects in the vicinity too. but you know what? takes some time to get there. i really do believe. because... we are still trying to find ourselves as subjects, huh.

part of it... is about reciprocity. of course therapy is about us... but it is (eventually) about helping us find different (and more fulfilling) ways of inter-relating to others. starting with our therapists, i guess.

i guess i'm just thinking... i'd started to think that therapy was meant to be about me remembering the stuff from when i was a kid. remembering it in an emotionally connected way. but... what seems to be happening with my doing that is that i'm getting lost there. i'm kind of using it to justify / magnify treating him like i treated past figures. though that isn't quite it. i'm kind of... getting lost in it. thats the problem. i thought that that was what it was meant to be about.

but maybe... it doesn't have to be that way for me. i heard the term 'non liner systems theory' and kinda went '%#@&#!, i bet thats got math in it'. but... it doesn't. its just the idea that therapy doesn't need to follow a linear course of 'first this happens and then this happens and then the next thing happens' such that if things don't happen in that nice orderly fashion then the client and / or therapist are doing something wrong. it just means... that therapy is different for different therapist / client pairs... and... there isn't a right way or a wrong way there is just an unfolding in whatever direction the process takes them in. kinda liberating for me.

seeing someone as a person is hard. what does... what does 'seeing him as a person' mean to you? that... his understanding and compassion is limited. thats freaking hard. thats something that i've been facing over these last few weeks. what helps with that... is trying to muster understanding and compassion for him. kind of like how when i'm ranting about some idea i've had for my thesis and he seems happy and excited for me... i'm remembering the look on his face when he said about the time off. i mean he didn't look fully exctatic. he did look kinda sensitive to what was going on for me... but the excitement was there too. and i couldn't at the time... but now... remembering that... i feel kinda excited for him. and... it doesn't hurt so much.

(but then admittedly my physiology is all but burned out with being distressed about this and i'm starting to look forward to seeing him this friday)

:-)

(i want to be mature about this... i want that so much... not to deny my little kid feelings about this... but not to be angry with him or at least not angry with him to the point of wanting to make him feel bad).

i want to try.