Quote:
Originally Posted by zinco14532323
I am very similar. I usually pick the biggest AA meeting I can find because I feel more anonymous in a crowd. Alanon meetings are always smaller and more intimate and that much more scary. I kept going and with practice could overcome it but it is still very hard for me.
You shared a lot just now and that is very powerful. Sometimes we perceive people are thinking about us and judging us when really they are only thinking of themselves and their problems and fears. That doesn't make the feeling any less real.
I can guarantee you that many people in Alanon have gone through what you describe or may be right in the middle of it right now. I have heard many stories.
I am not saying you should go or not go. I would hold on to your Alanon buddy though for support even if you are not ready to go with her. Maybe one on one with a T is what you need as you have said. Maybe just read the books on your own. I found that helpful. Daily meditation books as well.
|
Thank you so much for your comments, you are right that just because the feelings are all in my head and are all perceived rather than directly spoken, they do not hurt any less. And perhaps I'll find self-acceptance if I keep going, and stop being so darn hard on myself.
The sad truth is I can share freely on an anonymous forum, because there is no blame and shock on our emoticon faces when I tell my story. In person, that's a tightly locked box with chains wrapped around it and a heavy padlock holding it shut. I don't like to open that box myself, let alone in front of witnesses. My T makes me open the box, pull out one stinky thing, talk about it with her, and helps me slam the lid down before the rest of the big nasty things escape. I can only handle one stinky at a time, or I feel like I will break and be bedridden again.
My plan for next week is to attend a different meeting in a different location, on Monday since Tuesday is already booked for T, with my close friend the 30+ year Al-Anon member. I will go no matter how uncomfortable I feel about it, and I will remain silent if I so desire. And I will try to remember that my secrets are not visible to anyone in the room, and stop being so darn defensive!!
Thanks again for understanding Zinco!!