Pretty much everything you wrote rings true for me as well. Letting myself feel loved has been difficult lately. It is impossible to feel loved when you don't feel love for yourself. Forgiving oneself is also terribly difficult. And I'm not entirely coherent about what I need to forgive myself for other than a general, pervasive feeling of being a failure. This is an exhausting, life-long struggle and changing one's feelings about oneself can seem absolutely impossible in the darkest times. I don't have any great words of wisdom but you are NOT alone - there are legions of us out there who "get it" - and you have friends here.